Love with Asari Lotions
by Ellered
Summary: Fraternization with your love interest. Joker peeks in. Shepard certainly takes advantage of the situation. Kaidan/Female Shepard 1st chapter. 2 chapter: Ashley/Man Shepard. 12th: Joker/T'Soni.
1. Chapter 1: KaidanFemShepard

_A/N; Each chapter will be labeled with what pairing I wrote. So, feel free to skip the pairings you don't wish to read. This first chapter is Kaidan/Female Shepard, and the rest will be properly tagged. PG-13 for suggestive themes._

* * *

** I: Kaidan/Female Shepard/The beginning of breaking the Rules.**

* * *

"Oh Kaidan, that feels good."

Jane Shepard moaned, her eyes were closed as her officer rubbed her down with special asarian love oil purchased from one of the merchant shops. Kaidan's hands were magnificent: strong, rough, but surprisingly soft. She believed this was due to his tinkling at the orange monitor all day, sweating under the lights and closed in space.

She turned her head to see, her eyes were half closed now, just so she can watch her crewman through thick lashes.

"Commander," Kaidan murmured, "I've never, oh god, Shepard, you're…what a woman you are." Then he coughs, "I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't mean."

Jane laughed good-naturedly, "Relax, I'm not going to write you up. As you can see, you're in my room, giving me a massage. Now what would be the harm in that?"

"You're right." He sighed; releasing a breath; his hands had paused for a bit then continued the caring ministrations on her slender strong back.

"Do you think," Kaidan asked hesitantly, "that this is wise, Commander? I mean you and me, alone…"

She turned around completely, giving him a straight stare, "Lieutenant, stop. You and me are past protocol don't you think?"

"I know but…we haven't, um, we haven't really gone that far. I mean, things are great between us but, we haven't really done…"

He looked adorable to Shepard right there, the way he flustered and stammered. She reached over and cupped his face with her palm. He leaned into it automatically, softly easing into the heat of her hand.

It was his turn to close his eyes, "Jane…"

She took this as a sign that he was ready and leaning in, her lips touched his.

He was not altogether surprised, and her lips felt good and she knew what she was doing because he was being pushed back into the bed, where the sheets were starched and cleaned, pressed and untouched. Until now.

Jane lay atop him, full bodied, molding hers into his, and he almost released a blissful sigh, one of those sighs that ached into her mouth. His hands which were partially oiled--filled with the scent of asari sensual healing--reached eagerly to hold her, feeling the side of her body and along the lines of her curves.

They were finally kissing and Kaidan's world seemed to reel topsy-turvy, precariously on the edge of no return. The pleasant sounds of a kisses in the contained asari-oily-sensuous air, agreeably so, kept him fervently pursuing more as his own tongue sought hers.

She was the leader, his leader, and even now, Shepard still called the shots.

"Commander, you're wanted on the bridge, we're about to land."

It was Joker's voice over the intercom. And Shepard moved back, easing her body away from Kaidan's.

He cleared his throat, "Joker's waiting for you at the bridge."

"Yes, yes. I know." There held disappointment in her voice, "We'll talk again, Kaidan."

"I'd like that….ma'am."

Jane adjusted herself. Taking the blue shirt and pulling it down over her head and over her near nude body. She had just allowed Kaidan to massage her back while having her shirt off. Kaidan released a sigh, because he'd like very much to see more of Commander Shepard. But seeing her in her bra was more than enough for him. Perhaps she allowed this because she trusted him not to do anything. He kept swallowing too, and darted his eyes away from her dressing procedure.

Before she headed out to the door, she turned, half smiling not without a little wicked gleam in her eye. "Um, you're in my room?"

"Oh..oh yeah.." He moved a little. "I'm sorry; it's just that…I um…" Kaidan glanced over between his legs, parted on the bed. His dark pants contrasted with the soft lighting from above the bed.

Jane nearly rolled her eyes, chuckling, "All right. You can wait it out until...and until then, I expect to see you at the bridge as well."

"I- I…" Kaidan wanted to kick himself for sounding like a stammering fool, "I just want you to know that whatever happens, _I'm in it for the duration_."

She grinned maddeningly, "I bet…."

x--x


	2. Chapter 2: AshleyMaleShepard

A/N: I'd like to do all the pairings in ME, so **maybe** it'll get done.

this chapter is Ashley/Man Shepard, the next chapter Fem Shepard with Liara.

**--x--**

* * *

"Like I said, if you want me to lead, I'll lead."

Ashley Williams said this with a very serious expression, for once in her life. It wasn't that she wasn't capable of being serious; it was just that she liked to fill some laughter in her life. It wasn't always easy being the granddaughter of humanity's insult to injury. Mocking laughter and hate filled letters to her family's home were always the shadow in her grand father's wake, and became a darker shadow on her father's too.

So she thought, why not just make life easier on herself and just try and fill in the blanks with a few jokes to make someone laugh? Sometimes, they're not always received well, especially when her commanding officer was being deadpan about their relationship.

"I've been having a hard time figuring you out, but I think I know what you want, and what makes you who you are." John Shepard said, not sounding in the least bit romantic about it.

"I'll make it easier on you, skipper. I promise. And when this is all over, I swear, I'll make it up to you."

"You better."

Ashley half opened her mouth, her straight dark brows coming together, "Uh…I thought.."

John leaned in, "that you were going to say it?"

She had this expression on her face that was part confusion, "Never mind. Oh. What's that in your hand?"

John leaned against the lockers; the lighting wasn't very good in here, "Asari oils, from some asari merchant back on Feros."

"Wait. The only asari we saw there was the one you shot on…"

She bit her lip, blinked, and folded her arms, "What's it do?"

He chuckled, "that Asari I shot? That was the cloned one. The real one was the merchant who looked like a salarian."

"I didn't know that asaris can meld into other species that way as well.."

"Speaking of melding…this occurs to me that this may be our last day alive. Got any plans?"

Ashley had to hold herself from laughing out loud, because she wanted to be serious, "Is this the frontal assault?"

"I'd like to use this on you." John lifted the bottle in his hand, "see where we go from there."

"Skipper, are you ready to face the consequences?"

"I'm a Spectre, Ash; I can do what I want." He leaned in, thinking for a moment that he should stumble into her arms so her soldier self could catch him.

John pretended to be clumsy and bumped into her, and as expected, Ashley grabbed a hold of him but he was unbalanced and they both tumbled together on the floor.

Ashley was being squashed by John's heavy weight; though she was used to bodies stumbling over her during fights. But John's very gorgeous body made her cheeks flame.

"Shepard…"

"Williams."

They lay there for a moment or two until Ashley grunted, "Shepard, do you think that you can get off me?"

"Do you think we're beyond last name basis? Me John, you Ashley?"

"I can live with that."

He pushed off of her, and helped her up. Then they stumbled together, finally closing their lips where their tongues wanted to touch.

John and Ashley were finally kissing-- there by the mess hall for the entire world to see. But the two persons sitting there at the long table were oblivious, because they never left their positions and chatted continuously.

Ashley closed her eyes, moaned contentedly, feeling John's tongue explore hers.

"Bridge to Commander Shepard, important message patching through!"

It was Joker's voice, hailing him and interrupting the interlude.

John growled, "Are you spying on us, Joker?"

Ashley looked embarrassed, the pinkish hue of her cheeks showing above normally fine lightly tanned skin.

"No, sir just thought you'd wanted to know that Captain Anderson needs you."

John grumbled, straightened himself.

"Sounds important. You better go." Ashley sighed.

"Here, keep this until tonight."

He handed her the asari bottle filled with sensual oils and who knows what.

"For?"

"I thought you'd like to recite a few lines of Tennyson while rubbing me down."

"You're incorrigible." Ashley said, stopping herself….she thought that was his line, "Besides, I don't always use Tennyson. I do like other classics."

John looked over his shoulder on the way to the bridge, "You won't be reciting anything coherent when I'm done with you."

Ashley lifted her brow at that, "Smug. I like it."

x--x


	3. Chapter 3: LiaraFemShepard

"Commander."

Liara came into Shepard's room, the bluish tint of her skin looking magnificently cool and neon-ish. It left Shepard staring at her, more than usual.

"Yes, Liara?" She moved away from her terminal, the heartbeat beneath her chest thumped heavily and annoyed her ears. Because she was excited. Oh so very excited.

She just hoped she maintained a level of professionalism even in front of the soft looking asari.

"I'm worried that we may not be able to get another chance at this…"

"What is it, Liara," Shepard moved closer, wanting to feel protective over the doctor, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. But please, don't laugh."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

The asari scientist produced a bottle of lotion. It looked very blue and very much in chorus with Liara's skin tone.

"This, commander. I have brought this for us. As a matter of fact, I bought it specifically for you."

"Why, Liara, thank you, I think….but what is it?"

"It's a potion made from our people, it has tremendous healing power and it makes the wearer become rather 'loved' or, should I say, entranced and completely satisfied, pleasantly so. I would like, very much, with your permission to use it on you right away."

Shepard looked around, even when there was no one in the room, "Um. That's very generous of you. But now? You want to do this now?"

Dr. T'soni blinked back, smiling slightly, watching the commander scratch something from behind her head, looking very uncomfortable.

"It will make you feel good, and I'm offering this because of your ordeal with the receiving of the cipher. All your memories of the mind melding, the intensity—how it is so very overwhelming, I thought that we—that I—"

"Just show me what I should do," Shepard felt eager, but tried not to show it.

"With your permission, I'd like to take your clothes off. This only works when the wearer is at least partially nude, and the liquid can melt into one's skin."

"Yes! Just say the word." Shepard almost yelled.

When the commander had taken off her shirt, Liara told her to lay face down on the bed.

"Trust me, commander. This will all be over soon."

Somehow that didn't sound very pleasing, but Shepard was too worked up to understand the asari ways. Instead, she lay there limp with her arms out on the bed.

"Relax, commander, and allow me to join my mind with yours…"

"W- what? I thought you and I were going—…"

_"Embrace eternity!"_

Then all the visions of the reapers, looking remarkably like little fleas and large bugs flew from Shepard's mind. They were being replaced with flowers, balloons, and hearts and little children…

Sounds of strings, violins and low screeching computerized music repeated itself, and visions of Liara's face looming in, stretching out like a warped mirror in a fun house.

When it was over, Shepard was not feeling the least bit what she wanted to feel.

"What did you want to feel?" Liara said, interrupting her thoughts.

"You can mind read?"

"Oh dear, I do apologize, I hadn't gone out of your head yet," Liara blushed.

"I wanted to feel horny." Shepard pouted, "and what you just did, wasn't sexy."

Liara giggled, "oh commander."

"I'm serious."

"There's more, I've only just begun." Liara poured a generous amount of lotion in her hand, dripping the contents into Shepard's back.

Liara began spouting words of praise: "Wow, I've never dreamed…so strong, so beautiful, so much more, and you being a prothean link, I'm so fortunate…."

"You're really good for my ego, Dr. T'soni." Shepard snickered cheerfully.

"May I ask you to stand up now?"

"Uh all right. Tell me more about yourself, Liara, while I stand."

The asari giggled, rubbing more lotion over Shepard's arms and midsection. "When two people join, it is a special thing. We can mate with any species to our liking, and we cherish those moments together for as long as the other species can live."

Shepard just allowed her eyes to close; her arms were being lifted up so that they spread out straight. The image of her being modeled near nude in front of Liara was enough to cause a chuckle from her.

And then, the most incredible thing happened: Liara was going down on her.

"Yes! Oh Yes!" Shepard yelled, almost joyously.

"Commander, we're getting a reading, it looks like a distress call. Should I patch it through?"

It was Joker.

Liara jumped up, "You're wanted, Shepard, perhaps we should continue this at another time."

"No!" Shepard stopped her, looking up at the communicator system embedded in the room, "Joker, are you listening on us?"

"No, ma'am, but the signals important, it may be from the council."

Shepard heaved a long heavy sigh, but she looked at Liara desperately, "Can I count on you to be where you are now when I get back?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Commander, I'm crippled remember." Joker interrupted through the comm..

Shepard gritted her teeth, "I wonder why…."

xxx


	4. I: Metgos and Hot Showers: AshMShep

_**Part I: Metgos and showers**_

* * *

_It was hot. _

Too damn hot.

The flight back to the Normandy couldn't get any slower than the bead of shiny sweat that threatened to spill over John's nose.

They had just finished off geth on the Metgos planet. It was devastating. Geth emerged as soon as the mako closed in to the capsule.

Minutes had ticked by and the scene previously was _memorable:_

"It's a trap!" that's what John heard behind him, the usual soft voice of Garrus, his mechanic for this mission. The turian had bellowed out in warning.

Ashley pulled back her assault rifle, slamming the sledgehammer X's in place, with friction and combat sensor at maxed in place. "Ready, sir!" The determined look on her face was hot.

John concentrated, pulling himself back to the situation, and steered precariously away from the first blast shooting out of the geth on the hill.

He had made that signal. The one with his finger up in the air, and the three of them went out of the moving vehicle in a flash.

Garrus quickly inhaled, using damping around the geth's glossy exterior-and it made this horrible noise, as if it were going to collapse over like a wrecking ball against the side of a steel reinforced building on them.

Ashley switched on her immunity, and her armour's turned white-ish, haloing the mercenary's red brick colour like the sun on terra cotta roofs.

She had been the first to take the front, positioning herself so that the monstrous machine would get her...

Garrus's rifle went out, mimicking the bursts of fire power pulses, taking down the enemy's shield.

John had positioned them away from the other geth then, where they were molesting the mako. If he didn't do something fast, their mako would eventually explode.

He had to pull them back in when the going was tough.

When the first geth monster stumbled in a broken stupor, Ash was already heading towards the next, Garrus on her heels.

John didn't know how many times he had to turn his adrenaline on, being vanguard, his vitals were maxed-he could take the damage in his armour, and fill the barrier.

But he didn't know how many times he had to save his comrades asses. Garrus was always the first to go down, hearing his voice from behind him, "Shields down!"

And he had to make sure Ashley was using her first aid to get their asses back on full. He was sweating then; the armour was damaged, taking hits from the side that was damaging enough.

When it was over, he picked up Ashley's limp body and dumped her on the seat of the mako. Garrus hobbled in the backseat and hurriedly tried to use his tech skills to heal the damaged hull and engine.

John had looked back at Garrus to see if he were all right, noticing that the turian hadn't even complained much about the heat. John wasn't even sure if turian's sweat.

He knew that his own sweat was pouring along the sides of his temple, running down the uncomfortable feel of his neck.

John looked down at Ashley's form, she was half dazed-being knocked out by full blasts consecutively by the hovering geths. He at least saw the sweat moistening her lips.

_Full luscious lips. _

He felt uncomfortable then. John looked up at the turian who wasn't even paying attention.

"Looks like we're good to go, commander." Garrus said, the smile in his voice resulting from the victory they had just done.

"Yes. Good work, team." John grinned. He looked down at Williams, "you all right, chief?"

Ashley opened one eye, "I'll be fine, sir, just slight pain. I'll be good in no time. I just can't wait to get a shower."

"You always take it hard, Ashley."

Uncomfortable silence.

When they were finally in the Normandy, it was far far cooler than they could imagine.

They couldn't wait to get their suits off.

Get in the shower.

And the showers were co-ed.

John figured he didn't think turians took showers, and saw that his friend was back at the mako fixing all the vital signs that were short circuited.

The showers were located in a very private area in the back of the sleeper pods. There was a tiny area where a door was, which was highly invisible for some odd reason. John never questioned it but who cares. He wanted to get there and acted quite surprised when Ashley came up behind him.

"Sir. I- I..." She stammered, her brows furrowed, "I'll wait till you're done."

"No." he offered, his hand waved her in, very gentlemanly like, "After you."

She parted her lips, and he noticed that she carried a white fluffy towel, a bottle of something--perhaps shampoo, and a toothbrush.

He was glad that showers in space were so revolutionary than say, centuries ago when showers were virtually impossible on ships. Then again, most inventions weren't as possible as they were now.

"I won't look if you won't."

Ashley was actually mildly amused at that, "yes...sir."

Inside, there were two shower heads, and because it's a co-ed shower-for both genders, John reached over to turn the knob, placing the dial closer to the hot.

When the water poured, he pulled the blue shirt that was irritatingly clinging on to him quickly off. He looked across from him to see Ashley staring, blinking her eyes back.

"Uh...commander, I'm sorry." It was interesting to see her flustered.

"I didn't think you to be the shy type, Williams."

"Sir, but, you're my commanding officer...and, well, there's regs against this..."

Her voice faltered.

"I don't see anyone here higher up in rank than me, Ashley, and the way I see it, no harm in getting clean together."

"You're so right, sir." She swallowed.

Still, she turned around and took a deep deep breath. John could swear that he could hear her whisper one to ten.

A half minute later, he was already naked and placing suds around his body.

Ashley had taken her hair down, and the length of her long wavy hair fell near to her waist-her very small and desirable waist.

She turned around then, the length of her dark hair just covering the most pointed parts.

"You know, we could get showering faster if you scrub my back and I'll do yours."

Ashley had this very wicked grin, and in her hand a bottle of asari lotion.

He took it automatically, gripping the bottle a little too hard.

She turned around and let the towel that was around her waist fall. She sent him a half smile over her shoulder, "I can't wait to get this sweat and grime off me. That lotion also takes off all the dirt...quite _thoroughly_."

It was actually his turn to gulp. "You got it," he whispered huskily, "those asari know exactly what's best."

Ashley allowed herself a small giggle, "as long as you're in charge at handling those lotions, commander."

John sighed happily. And was so very glad that he was in charge.

He had made sure all communication links were closed off in the shower room.

Farther up, away from the confines of the little shower room, deep in the cockpit, Joker was staring hard at the screens. He had several little monitors on. One was especially at the showers. But unfortunately, the pilot was getting only fuzzy interference. He couldn't even hear anything!

"Damn! This blows." he sat back, pouting.

* * *

_-not really the end_

* * *

x

_A/N: these next sets aren't as humorous, but still in the style of romantic heated tension. Awkward, but still steamy fun. Next are Kaidan/Female Shepard and Female Shepard/Liara. (not in any order). I hope to make them sexy and fun._


	5. I: Virmire: LiaraFemShepard

_**Part I. Virmire.**_

* * *

_A soft sigh released in the cool tempered air, sounding sweet. The light noise drifted idly around the blue exterior of Dr. T'soni._

Liara searched through the extranet, finding out so many things about Shepard and the commander's many wondrous traits.

The more she searched, the hotter she felt; the heat was getting.under her collar. In fact, the images she saw on the extranet made her gulp and gulp until her throat felt dry like the scorching thunderous heat of her dig site. Her eyes glazed over, and there were very disturbing images flashing before her.

She heard Dr. Chakwas in the other room shuffling around and Liara managed to squirm uncomfortably in her chair. The guilty looks she sent over at the door made her finger hover closely over the button to exit the site she was looking at.

She bit her lip.

It was incredibly hot even for this very chilly little room. The silent sounds around her made her miss her dig site over at Therum. But she couldn't imagine…no, wouldn't imagine….

She sighed openly, her lips parting, looking dazedly at the screen where two figures closely brought their heated lips smashing softly together, touching, felt, and looked utterly, devastatingly beautiful….

"Oh…" she feigned to herself, used to being alone, "I wish to show all these things to Shepard…if only, if only she would choose me over Alenko."

She heard the door swish quickly open.

"Eep!" Liara nearly jumped in her seat. Her finger automatically clicking on the exit button, and her secret was safe for now.

"Commander." She whispered in happy surprise, thinking it would be Dr. Chakwas.

"Liara, I like talking to you. Could we talk?"

"Of course, Shepard." Liara had to bite her lips to stop herself from ending it with, "with you, I'd do anything…"

"Thank you, Liara. I just feel so tired, and talking to you helps me clear my head."

"I'm afraid I too have the same feelings, commander. I've been meaning to ask you something."

Shepard looked at her, the lights in the room giving Liara the pretty glow of blue, soft and cuddly. Shepard had to still her fingers from reaching out.

Liara continued, very bold with her request, "I would like to know if there's something going on with you and lieutenant Alenko, for I feel very strongly about you…and I wish to tell you that I admire you so much."

"Oh I do very much feel much more for you, Liara."

Liara felt so happy, bursting with joy, "it's true that my initial interest were in the protheans; but now, now I know that with you, you've given me much more than protheans. You're my fatal attraction!"

Shepard closed in, almost predatory; not in the least bit afraid, "yes," she whispered low, "what is it?"

"Your link to the Protheans, in addition, you're my first human love! It's a combination an asari could ever hope for! Well for _me_ that is. I want you to know that I've never done it before with any human."

Her commanding officer moved back, as if jolted by lightning, "What!? You mean you're a virgin?!"

Then the sudden change in Shepard's appearance changed from shock to wicked sly amusement, and her lips had moistened by the tongue flicking out to wet them.

"Well well, well…" Shepard continued, "that could be a good thing.."

"Oh no! No." Liara moved back, floundering, "I meant that, that I'm not used to this. I've never found someone to actually share the close bond that I want to experience. Especially with the lotion I have in my possession."

"Share what with?" Shepard furrowed her brows.

"This." Liara pulled out her bottle of asari lotion.

"Huh?"

"When we go to the next mission, I'll use it when we get into_ that_ situation."

Shepard looked around cautiously, bewilderment on her face, and only now aware of Dr. Chakwas in the other room.

But before she could say anything more, Joker interrupted.

"Got an urgent message from the citadel, commander. I'll set up the link in the comm. Room."

Liara watched as Shepard had to go and then it was only just less than five minutes later when she was told to get ready and gear up.

When she slipped inside the mako moments later, she saw Tali behind them.

Shepard signaled Joker to release the airlock and the mako went crashing on the shores of Virmire.

They were cruising along the dazzling shores of Virmire, where the twenty foot high crab-like machineries walked sideways, and the sounds of splashing hitting against the rocks brought memories of earth.

Shepard drove like some kind of crazed driver, and the grin on her face only proved that she was highly enjoying this adventure.

"The geth are just up ahead, Commander Shepard." Tali had warned, from the backseat, and pointing towards the dangerous cliffs.

Below the treachery of Virmire's rocks, a couple of geth snipers were taking pot shots at the mako, and the moving droids and drones sent dangerous rockets.

Shepard swerved the mako into the side of the overhanging jutting rock, just reaching the sky.

And the three of them jumped out of the vehicle quickly. Tali hurriedly hacked the oncoming drones: they turned on each other.

"Oh that's beautiful work there, Tali," Shepard awed, very pleased with her Quarian companion.

"Watch out, commander!"

It was Liara shouting. The rockets had hit Shepard but not before she had her barrier up. It nearly took all her power down, but Liara's revenge used lift and singularity just with one flick of her mind. Her entire body glowed deliciously blue.

The snipers dropped their sniper weapons and legs and arms went flailing around, and they broke down completely before reaching the water's edge.

"Thanks you two," Shepard smirked, wanting to hit her forehead against the mako for being so careless.

Liara shyly smiled, "I don't know what's worse. The geth or all this sand in my….."

Shepard grinned knowingly.

"Never mind.." Liara ended quietly, but the blues of her eyes slyly looked over at her desired object: Commander Shepard.

Tali, who was oblivious to the exchange the two sent, walked back to the mako, wiping off wet sand, "This stuff can get into the suits and perhaps short circuit our systems."

* * *

_--to be continued. (part II of Virmire: Shepard/Liara)_


	6. II: Virmire

**Part II. Virmire**

* * *

The sand was sticky.

As a matter of fact, quite clammy.

But Liara endured it and she felt as if she wanted to place her fingers between her legs to find an opening to her scratchy suit.

If only...

_If only..._

_Ohhhhhh..._

The moan was unexpected, because both Tali and Shepard turned around, saying in unison:

"You all right, Dr. T'soni?"

"Oh! Oh dear," Liara giggled, "I'm afraid I've been distracted by the very existence of these determined granules, inching their way towards the middle of my person; and indeed if I were bold enough I would take off what remains of my affluently acquired suit, discard them to the overlapping waters that terrorize to destroy every portion of mental security I am wont to hold onto; not ever mentioning anything of the sort, therefore, in my defense; if it is decided, that wearing anything less without the peril of geth everywhere and anywhere, shall I be free, free of such chains that bind me to Virmire's chattels."

She breathed out a sigh of relief, puffing out a drawn shaky breath, while reaching down nervously below her midsection. The urge to itch was excruciating.

Shepard and Tali just stared at her, the former having her jaw dropped.

Behind the mask that the quarian wore, she mumbled through her ventilator, "You're_ not_ all right then. Okay, if the commander wants it, you might be able to sit this one out."

Tali looked over at her commander, "Commander? Maybe Liara needs her suit taken out?"

Shepard gulped, "Yes, yes, of course. But, this is going to be a great distraction. And I don't think the geth are into this stuff." She turned around suddenly, staring at Tali intently, "right? The geth are pure synthetic?"

"They were created by us, yes, and I don't think that they've evolved anymore than what we've seen."

"What about the worshipping we seen them do on Feros? You know, where they start believing that the big claw of metal will bring them salvation?"

"They only copy what they see, because they have seen our culture, immersed within us on our homeland; the geth watched us worship our own gods; they can mimic these mannerisms according to their make shift culture."

Shepard looked bored, yawned and stretched.

"Sounds about right." Shepard crossed her arms, nodding, suddenly looking serious. She didn't want to offend the quarian. The sound of shots from a distance brought the three back to the present ever dangerous mission.

Liara whined, "oh no no no, not now."

Shepard coughed, "Liara, you can take off whatever you want, but make sure your private areas are covered."

The doctor immediately went to work at it, shuffling around in her suit with her arms in, squeezing deep inside the tightness of the feathery light armour.

And within moments, Liara was mostly nude, with only her breasts covered by pieces of the Ursa armour hanging on, white on blue. The pistol she carried hung carelessly on the side of her hip by a tiny string rope that wrapped around the waist.

"Ah that's so much better." Liara giggled, "Thank you, commander, now all that sand can be wiped off easily."

Tali murmured to herself, walking away and shaking her head, "How she got them in the suit is just very strange."

Shepard reached over to touch Liara on the cheek, "You're so sweet, Doctor. I wish we had time to be alone."

She received another giggle from the scientist, "I want to be sweet to you, Shepard, it's my very existence; also, I've been meaning to try this out, remember, Commander?"

There, the bottle of asari lotion sat on the asari's palm.

"Yes, about that. However are we going to have the time? We need to head up to the AA towers soon, and I think the salarians are waiting for us too."

Just then, Joker interrupted on the comm system embedded in Shepard's ear, "Commander, we've landed but it looks like we're grounded, the salarian captain will be able to explain everything to you."

"Sounds good, Joker, we'll be there soon."

When they finally reached the base, there were tents set up for the three teams on the salarian side.

They could see their ship parked by the edge of the water, and Joker at the pilot's seat waving.

Shepard saw Alenko and Williams standing by a salarian who looked like he was in charge.

"What's going on?"

Alenko first yelled out, "WHOAH!!"

"What's wrong with you, Lieutenant?" Shepard barked, looking around for anyone suspicious.

"Liara!" Alenko gulped uncontrollably, "I mean, that's some art appreciation!"

Ashley grinned, "Put your eyeballs back on, Kaidan."

Liara giggled, "I am reluctant to have any Virmire treasure clinging to me; and therefore, it was indispensable."

Ashley just blinked, "Doctor, aren't you concerned about your lack of defenses?"

The asari shrugged nonchalantly, "It's better than getting sand down there..." she found herself nodding to Ashley, hoping to find agreement with her, knowing the female human would understand her predicament of sand and...uncomfortable situations.

Ashley smirked, "I have no problem with that. But, I don't know if the males around here are going to keep focus. I blame the extranet."

Liara opened her mouth, as if in shock, "Yes, you're so right, Chief Williams, I too have been all over the extranet!"

Wrex from behind was chuckling deep, "Like I said, a female naked is better than a clothed one."

Liara seemed offended, "For your information, I'm not entirely naked; there are few pieces of Ursa material still clinging on to me."

Alenko blubbered, "Yeah, but...that's just..."

Shepard groaned, "All right, all right, that's enough! Liara's not the center of attention here, _I am_."

Kaidan stood at attention, "Yes, ma'am, sorry, ma'am, I wasn't trying to be.."

"Knock it off, lieutenant, and get your eyes away from the asari. You've had your extranet privileges."

He frowned.

A salarian walked up, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything? You've just landed into a hot zone."

"Yes, well, with Liara near naked, it's definitely a hot zone." Kaidan murmured, facing away to avoid the Commander's blunt expression.

Liara piped in, "It was the sand! I can't stand it when the sand gets in my..." she giggled.

Kaidan rubbed his chin, "Erm, Dr. T'soni, don't you think that having _hardly_ anything on would get sand in _there_?"

She just looked at him in a daze, and a few moments went by, "...No."

The salarian continued, irritated by the lack of cooperation, "I wasn't aware that this was going to be _all_ of what we're going to be getting? I assumed our vital message got across, asking for more immediate aid."

"We've got medi-gel, but I can only carry ten." Shepard pouted, "How many can you salarians carry?"

"Look, I'm the captain here, captain Kirrahe. My team has been fighting the front lines for quite awhile now and I'm losing people here."

"All right already! I'll go to my ship and get all the medi-gel there."

Shepard grumbled, walking away, but was stopped by Garrus's soft tone, "Commander, the salarian captain wants us to be the subterfuge team."

"For you, Garrus, anything." Shepard smiled sweetly, then looked at Liara and pushed the turian aside, "Liara, darling, that lotion...maybe we can.." she motioned over to one of the empty tents.

Liara giggled, "Oh commander, I don't think this is appropriate in the open space."

"This coming from a very desirable naked asari on a beach? I think now I understand those nudist colonies."

"No, commander Shepard, my lotion should be used only when we're in private."

"No fun!"

From behind them, the salarian captain and Wrex were arguing. The krogan's louder voice was menacing, mentioning something about genophage and what not.

"Is he going to be a problem?" The captain urgently said to Shepard, warily watching the hulking figure walk away with a big shot gun.

"I hope not. I don't want to deal with this. It's just too much responsibility!" Shepard reached over with both hands and tried to squeeze her skull, her reddish hair getting crumpled in the process.

Liara motioned from behind, her blue hands touching Shepard's shoulder tentatively, "Commander, if you would like, we could try the asari lotion on the krogan?"

Shepard's eyes widened, "You think it'd work?"

"It couldn't hurt."

"Then, what are we waiting for, Liara! Let's go, you and me."

And the two walk hand in hand, ready to face the angered krogan.

The asari lotion sparkled brightly in Liara's hand.

From the distance, Joker took up the very fancy highly developed binoculars, and groaned, "Why do I always get no action? This is just unfair!"

--

* * *

_-- End._


	7. I: Major Kyle: KaidanFemShep

**I. Major Kyle**

* * *

Kaidan was sweating. Very hard. He was finding it really hard to stand too, the way the screen kept going upwards and downwards, and the unbearable knowledge that his migraine may come back…

It was just too much to bear.

But he kept on, chugging at that screen, and sweating like some kind of pig. As if pigs sweat anyway. The thought hadn't occurred to him. But, he was taking looks over at the mess hall where the two members of the Normandy crew were chatting animatedly, enjoying the fresh air that was flowing through the ventilation from above them.

He felt intensely jealous for their slacking ways.

He saw, from the corner of his eye, a bottle standing alone by one of the sleeper pods. Now Kaidan sometimes finds himself looking over at that direction-- to see who was going to rest it up, and last time, it was Dr. Chakwas who was taking a break. She had prescribed him some meds for his L2 flare-ups, but they came back again. That was his bane, the pain of these headaches; however, it was a far cry better than those unfortunate L2's that managed to go into insanity without any positive expectation. He just hoped Dr. Chakwas's diagnoses were never wrong and that he may never fall into that direction.

Alenko chose to ignore the sparkling bottle that sat there for awhile. But he couldn't take the suspense; it was just sitting there waiting on the corner of the empty sleeper pod. Usually, that area was swept clean but the two relaxing members of the crew were still having a good time. While he, worked his butt off every second at the screen. What he was doing, he had no idea, but at least he looked busy. He just wished the colours weren't so bright and flashing. Maybe something in blue….like that Dr. T'soni they picked up on their last mission.

When he suspected that no one was looking, he tiptoed over to the sleeper pods and casually picked up the bottle. He turned it over, the form of the bottle suspiciously looking slightly feminine in shape.

Asari love potion.

He raised his brows. "This must be Dr. T'soni's." Kaidan looked around and sure enough, no one cared if he were sneaking a peek around.

Joker called him on the intercom by his station, "Hey Alenko, dude, stop kissing your screen. Commander's calling you down to the garage to accompany her to the next stop."

Kaidan was excited. "I'm already there, Joker."

This was a massive relief. He just couldn't wait to show off his skills to that beautiful Shepard, who looked a sight better than even Dr. T'soni. He just hoped that his class wasn't a turn off.

When he got down to where the mako was, he saw that Ashley was there with the commander. Kaidan was glad to be around two fine-looking adventurous women that he almost tripped on the way there.

Jane Shepard turned around, seeing her Sentinel. "You going to be all in one piece, Alenko? We haven't even landed."

"Yes, ma'am, don't worry, ma'am, I'm just anxious."

"Why, Kaidan, you shouldn't be, you're my man for biotics this time around. We're going to the biotic compound. Maybe you can fill us in about them, or talk to some of them."

"Sorry, ma'am, I wouldn't know what to say, but I'll try my best." He gave her this tremulous smile. He couldn't believe how nervous he was around her.

"And quit shivering, Kaidan. You need a better suit? We'll have to see if I can find any good ones for you when we're there." She was adjusting her helmet, and placing it over her head.

Kaidan watched, liking what he saw. Jane Shepard had a tough background, sole survivor and ruthless, and she had those few scars that ran along her face that should have marred her beauty. However, it didn't. It only provided more character to her appearance; and the way she presented herself, especially to her would be victims, he couldn't help but be a little afraid of those brash renegade ways.

He gulped.

Ashley jumped in first, going into the backseat, but he stopped her, "Ash, I'll go in the back, I've got the decryp skills and I'll handle all the damage that hits the mako."

Ash looked over at the commander, who was already going to into the driver's side, "But," she leaned down, huskily whispering, "You like the commander, so I'll give you the front seat."

Kaidan stumbled for words, "What? Did Dr. Chakwas tell you? Oh, I told you didn't I?" He let out a nervous laugh.

The soldier patted his face, winking. "Shh, come on, get in, lover boy, we've got work to do. Keep the romance in the back burner for now."

Always feeling confident in Ash's company, he joked back, "It's kind of hard now, with you two lovely ladies for company."

"Awww, as long as there's going to be fighting, that'll always turn me on."

"I could always kill something for you, and throw in a neural shock." He grinned widely.

"Oh, god, please, do!" Ash returned a dazzling white smile.

"All right, you two, quit the chatter, it's time to get rolling and do some ass kicking." Shepard barked out, adjusting her seatbelt.

Ash jumped into the backseat, along with her assault rifle in her hand, and a heavy duty shotgun attached to the back of her armour. Kaidan nodded shyly and eased his way into the front seat, happy to be next to Jane Shepard.

He couldn't help it when his commanding officer was clicking on the lights atop, the sound of the motor whirring as she switched the power on; he couldn't help but stare openly at her profile, where the alternating lights from the mako's controls highlighted the scars, the dark, short hair curling along her almost swan-like neck.

Kaidan wouldn't in his right mind be considered too poetic, but damn, he couldn't help but feel these strong feelings for the commander. The way she moved, the way she went about on her business, and scored the galaxy. It was taking his control to maintain that level of professionalism.

He sighed, and pulled the seatbelt on.

Shepard radioed Joker and signaled to Garrus to release the hatch, "We're ready!"

Joker beeped in, "Found a landing spot for you, ready there she goes! Happy landing, commander."

"Keep an eye out for us, Joker."

"I know the drill; see you three in a few. Bring me back something sweet."

Shepard sniffed, "a couple of minerals should shut you up."

Joker chuckled, "I can't wait. I don't have all of them in my collection."

"All right, that's enough. Doors opening."

The mako went crashing down the planet, on the open terrain. And the signal on anything valuable showed up on the navigation screen.

Kaidan braced himself. This was the moment where—he then felt rather sore in the behind; something rather uncomfortable was….oh no! He reached behind him to see that the asari bottle was still in his back pocket, and he hadn't gotten his suit all the way on.

Nervously, he looked over at his commanding officer, but she was busy concentrating; looking ever so tough with her hands gripping the wheel and her body tense and strong.

She had maneuvered the mako to and fro in different directions, climbing several hills and finding her true destination: the biotic compound.

He gulped. Kaidan wasn't sure what to do with this bottle and he sure hoped that Shepard wouldn't see it. He didn't want her to think that he was interested in the asari. Kaidan may appreciate women, compliment Liara to see her blush blue, flirt a little with Ash; though surely, he only had eyes for _her._

* * *

_A/N: next, Part II: Major Kyle: Kaidan/Female Shepard_


	8. II: KaidanFemShep, Part II: AshManShep

_**Part II: Major Kyle: Kaidan/Female Shepard**_

_A/N: _Wasn't in a completely humorous mood, going for semi-serious, meaning more in-game action.

cc

* * *

Kaidan liked sitting shotgun, next to Commander Shepard, it was pure heaven. Figure of speech and all that, and he tried to catch glimpses of her profile when she was driving. The determined, set face, her gloved hand gripping the wheel, and turning immediately to the left and right. He especially liked it when she turned a quick left. It allowed him to lean very close and touch her shoulders.

It gave him a nice tingly feeling.

_Concentrate, Alenko. Concentrate. You're such a goofball around the Commander. Argh. Stop talking to yourself. _

He took a deep breath, catching his eye on the navigator screen, "Mineral deposit up ahead, to the right, and several meters to the left is the compound, Commander."

"Gotcha, Alenko." She said, almost gruffly.

When they closed in to their destination, the biotic compound posted picket signs surrounding the front, dug deep within the ground. The signs were red on white, written in words such as: "Keep out, stay away and biotic power rules!"

As Shepard neared the compound, she noticed that there were two buildings, two as typical as any other that they have all encountered on their trip previously. The circular facility was indeed closed off, with no light on, and Kaidan's skill couldn't get them in if they tried. However, the next building offered a little miracle.

The three of them approached the rectangular facility.

But the man behind the door held them back, "Stay away!" he hissed, in that rather high pitched twangy voice, "Father Kyle told us that the Alliance would come back! We took care of those bad guys when they came. Beware! We'll do the same to you if you try to take away our Father Kyle!"

"What the hell is this crap? You're going to pay for what you did to the previous Alliance officers. You can't keep me away!" Shepard growled, looked over to Kaidan, motioning her head, "Go on, Alenko, do your craft."

"Right on it, ma'am."

When the decryption worked, the man behind the door screamed, "The compound is under attack!"

The three immediately got inside, and Kaidan pulled out his pistol. When he caught sight of one of the biotics, he shimmied away from the full blast that would enclose him in a bluish cocoon, rendering him incapable of movement. After escaping it, he threw back a piece of neural shock that crippled a rampaging biotic.

"I'LL KILL YOU!!" the biotic gurgled, "I ….WILL…DESTR-…" and does one last gurgle…

Kaidan shook his head at the pathetic scene, mumbling, "I hope I die more courageously than that guy."

He used skills with lift and throw as soon as two more half-crazed biotics tried to push their way towards them. Ashley shoved a couple down with her expertise in assault training, and Commander Shepard dusted everything clean with her shot gun, as close range was her specialty.

When they swept the whole place clean, Shepard picked up a few more items to take back to the mako. She threw the new pistol over at Kaidan, "Here, a present."

"Thanks, ma'am."

As they exited, there was still the other compound to deal with.

Shepard sighed heavily, "That's where Kyle and the rest of his fanatics are held at." She picked up a couple grenades and placed them along her person, hoping to blast a couple of those pesky biotics, "Admiral Hackett said we need to get Kyle and his followers to behave. And I know just the formula."

Ashley and Kaidan both looked at their renegade commander with a mixture of fear and respect, they couldn't help but be in awe as their high ranking officer held the shotgun firmly, and walked with deliberate determination towards the entrance of the facility, shoving picket signs down, kicking them with the heel of her space boots.

Renegade Jane Shepard was bad, _real bad ass_ and Kaidan had to stop from staring at her fine shapely rear. Although he was a gentleman, or tried to be, he couldn't help that he was after all, only a man.

Without needing a sentinel's decryption skills, they managed to get inside and pick their way through the small crowd, and suddenly, bodies were flying everywhere. So far up in the air that Ashley and Shepard managed to shoot them down until they blew up completely.

"Area secure." He said, watching the two women head towards the next room.

Father Kyle was waiting for them. "Stop! Please!" he started begging, his face was full of deep concern and the ragged lines around his face showed stress and pain, "No more killing, please, I beg you. I don't want; I didn't want my children to die."

"Too late, you messed with the wrong people, Kyle." Shepard hissed, gritting teeth and making snarling faces, "You killed innocent people."

"But…" Kyle was confused, then angry, "You just killed my children. Do you think what you did was any better?"

Shepard looked around, sniffed, and leaned to one side, hand on hip, "What's done is done, and you asked for it. Our alliance officers came in to take you all in, but _nooooooooo_."

She leaned in, her finger poking at Kyle's chest, "You had to go and tell your children to kill every last one of our marines."

"Then, I'm sorry," Kyle bowed, "I – I just don't want you to do anymore killing."

"Fine. Let's take you in, come on."

"No, wait! I have to tell the rest of my children that it'll be okay. If they see you taking me in, they may get agitated and start fighting."

Shepard looked around, and saw only two more biotics standing by the door, "You mean those two? Hey, we can handle those two."

"No, please," Kyle whimpered, "they're the last of my children and you have my word, I'll go and get help, turn myself in."

"Aww come on, I've heard this before." Shepard rolled her eyes. "you freaks are all the same!"

Kaidan felt obliged to step in, hoping not to incur the wrath of his commanding officer, "Commander, I think he's serious. Maybe if we just allowed him to you know, talk it over with his students."

Shepard looked displeased, then sighed, "I don't really like this. But okay, I'll go ahead and radio Joker."

When they returned to the Normandy, the mako was back at its station, and Ashley went on ahead to get a quick snack. As Kaidan began to move away, returning back to his station, Shepard stopped him.

"Hey, Alenko."

"Ma'am?" Kaidan was nervous, "You needed something?"

"I thought maybe you and I could get a drink? Sit by the mess hall?"

"Of course, ma'am, I'd love, I mean, yes!"

Kaidan felt like groaning out loud, because he was certainly appearing a little too eager, but he can't help it. He really liked Shepard way too much to feel unenthusiastic.

Shepard picked up a couple of tightly sealed drinks, one for herself and one for her lieutenant.

She saw that there were still the two people sitting at the long table, "hey! Both of you, go topside, there's two empty spaces on the computer terminal system dockside. Use them. _Now_."

They nervously looked at each other and saluted the commander, "yes, ma'am!" and ran stumbling upstairs.

Kaidan grinned, "I've got to hand it to you, Shepard, you're quite a woman."

"Yeah? Just keep thinking those thoughts, lieutenant; I'm counting on your shore leave."

He couldn't help but be bold, leaning in, soft deep raspy voice, "I was…hoping that shore leave would be joint."

"Well, well," Shepard mused, pitched the packet of liquid filled with fruit tasting drink down, gulping greedily and smacking her lips, "Who would have thought…you a romantic after all, Kaidan?"

"I – I well, I did read those novels of man saving his lady, and ends it with the happy ending."

"I like that in a man, Kaidan. A true romantic. I had always thought you to be more rational than filled with romantic images of knights and ladies."

He fidgeted with his drink, turning the packaged thawed out liquid in his hand, "Um well, it was more like, han solo and princess leia scenerio. You know, of the twentieth century type."

"Wow. Talk about archaic history. Anyway, you going to drink that, Lieutenant?"

"Uh yeah. Unless you want it?"

She shook her head, finished off her own drink, squeezing the packet and wrinkled it up to a small ball like a chewing gum wrapper in her palm, "Listen, I found something.."

Shepard pulled out a bottle from her pocket.

"What's this?" She was eyeing the front of the bottle, "Asari love oils."

Kaidan flustered, "Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry, but, I must have dropped it."

"Obviously!" Jane got heated up suddenly, "Which brings me to this conclusion. I thought you weren't into the bookish type! You deliberately led me to believe that you weren't interested in that Dr. T'soni! She's the only asari on board, so I'm assuming…"

"I'm not. I'm into you, I mean.." he felt horrified, looking at her eyes widening, "I mean," he continued, "I _only_ like adventurous women, and I'm really not into her type. Not at all."

"And…" Shepard leaned in, "if she were the adventurous type, would you?"

"No way, ma'am. Not even. I'm not into aliens so to speak. I'm all for anyone else who are into them, it's their choice, but it's just not my type."

He gulped, hoping he didn't completely screw things up. Kaidan waited, for what seemed long grueling moments, watching his commander's eyes squint dangerously.

Then she smiled, flashing generous teeth, "Okay, I believe you."

He let out a sigh of relief. Almost felt the trickle of sweat threatening to pour from his temples, "I've never met a woman like you."

"And…Rahna?"

"Ancient history."

"Asari bottles?"

"Only if you're pouring it on me, or me on you, ma'am."

"Vyrnus?"

"Huh?"

She laughed, "Just kidding."

But Shepard seemed satisfied enough, content expression splattered on her face, "C'mere."

Kaidan widened his eyes; saw that she patted her lap, "Sit here."

"Ma'am..I, are you sure?"

"Last chance, lieutenant!"

He moved so fast that she almost laughed, and she felt the weight of her officer on her lap. Shepard pulled him close, "That's good. Now that I've got your full attention."

"Ma'am, you've always gotten my full attention."

"You're pretty heavy, marine, is that all muscle?" She was grinning.

"If you would like, I could always have you sit on my lap."

"Naw, I like this. Now….how's about a kiss."

Kaidan felt hot beneath his neck, heat suffusing around his body, "Ma'am.."

"It's Jane."

"Jane, aren't you worried that we would be seen? The regulations between us…and we're out in the open."

"No one is here. I kicked out the two slackers. Dr. Chakwas is going over her files, and Dr. T'soni is hidden away back at the med bay. She likes the solitude."

"And, what if,"

Shepard placed a finger on his lips, "Kaidan, it's time to shut up and kiss me."

And he leaned in, placing his lips on hers, and they explored each other through this wondrous kiss, tongues meshing together.

Jane slapped Kaidan's butt, murmured against his lips, "Nice ass, Lieutenant."

"I've always liked yours." He kissed the side of her lips, "those elevator rides are the best."

"Bridge to Commander Shepard!" Joker yelled from the intercom.

Kaidan and Shepard groaned.

Jane hugged Kaidan tighter, "I think we should give this bottle to Joker."

"Good idea, but who shall we set him up with?"

"Kaidan, it occurs me to me that Dr. T'soni needs some loving.."

"It must get lonely around those dig sites, for the past fifty years." Kaidan agreed.

"And our pilot is a pain in the ass."

"Can you imagine? Those two?" Kaidan was in awe at the thought, "Joker with his dark snide remarks, and Liara not getting it each time?"

The thought was so tempting and delicious, that even the most Renegade Shepard couldn't help but cackle with delectable glee.

"You're a genius, Kaidan."

"It was your idea, ma'am, I'm only here for the support. And more."

Shepard smacked Kaidan one more time in the butt, "One more kiss and we'll get that Joker and Liara together."

"Joker maybe game, but Dr. T'soni might not be all for it, considering that Joker has no link to the protheans."

"True. But she's an asari, and if I convince her that mind melding with Joker would help give her some sense of humour…"

"I never thought of that, ma'am."

"That's why I'm your commanding officer."

"One more kiss and then we'll get moving?"

"Mmmmm yes. I like."

And the two shared a long kiss, happily hugging and thinking of the bright future.

_--End._

* * *

_**Ending it with part II of Ash/MaleShepard,** _

_--cc--_

_A/N: both happy ending for all pairs, I hope._

* * *

John and Ashley agreed completely that the shower compartment was too tight, and they proceeded without argument that getting closer would be beneficial for both parties.

Shepard gave her a lopsided grin, because he couldn't take his eyes off her, and she nearly blushed by such boldness.

They barely felt the trickle of water which was to this very second running out, spurting out in small shots, that they only managed to get as much soap off as possible. The bottle of asari lotion somewhere at their feet, though this did stop John from holding her waist with one hand, the other touching her cheek, savouring the wet coolness and surprisingly dewy smoothness there. Ashley took this as a signal that she was able to continue the romance, realizing that they were past the protocols and regulations. He leaned in, wanting to taste her lips and she parted them, waiting…_waiting…_

"Joker here, commander! Urgent message and you're needed at the bridge."

John gritted his teeth, tensed, and breathed deep, muttering, "This isn't the time, Joker."

Ashley looked up at him, feeling the rather uncomfortable situation. Her eyes looked confused and almost sad, "You better go. It sounds really important."

He closed his eyes tight for a moment, shutting out her image because he wanted to be prepared for outside, and to be the Spectre that everyone expected him to be.

But John surprised her, leaning in quickly and giving her a hard kiss. Ashley's eyes widened, but soon closed softly, immediately moaning as their kiss deepened. Ashley wrapped her arms around him, touching his neck and feeling the short cropped military hair. He pulled her close, groaning.

After a few more agonizing heartbeats, John gently pushed her away, "All right," breathing a little hard, raking a hand over his damp hair, "My room, tonight, bring the asari bottle."

"Aye, aye, sir!"

But he didn't move, and Ashley blinked, "John? Are you…." Realization dawned on her. "Oh." She dipped her eyes downward, and slowly moved away from him, "I think I should dress myself quickly."

"Please do." He squeaked.

Joker interrupted again, "Ahhhh Just kidding, guys. You're not needed. Just wanted to see if the comm links are working, and sure enough, the systems check out A-OK!"

John growled, shaking his head, "Some day...that guy is going to -.." But he didn't finish what he was going to say, having his lips interrupted by Ashley's own. She held him, with her hands gently on his face, kissing him soundly.

When she let go, he didnt want to release her, and the grin on his face probably made him look goofy, but he didn't care.

"Commander, let's not waste any more time thinking about Joker. You're always saying that it's just a coping mechanism for him, you know, to ease the tension."

"I, you're right. This occurs to me that more asari lotions are in order."

She placed her finger on his lips, her other hand gently gliding along the strength of his naked arm, "Nuh-uh, no asari lotions this time. Just you and me."

"And...no Tennyson?"

"No way. Not even Ulysess could make its way past my tongue."

And they stared at each other for a long moment, closing in for another long heated kiss.

The wet asari bottle blinking back, forgotten on the floor.

_--end._


	9. I: LiaraFemaleShepard: Chohe

A/N: I noticed I haven't named Liara's partner in these stories, so she'll be named Belinda Shepard; a created female Shepard. As for alignment, here's how it's set up:

_Kaidan/Jane Shepard_: Both Renegade. Played the game awhile back with Renegading Kaidan, so I only feel for now that it should be in the style of laughter and fun. I don't think I can write it in a serious way; though, perhaps it would be an interesting fanfiction if written professionally.

_Ashley/JohnShepard_: Not sure, yet, right now: neutral.

_Liara/Female Shepard_: Neutral, smatterings of paragon/renegade.

I've gotten a couple requests to continue this comedy, so okay, have at it, and enjoy the ride.

* * *

**Part I: Female Shepard/Liara: Chohe and Dreams.**

**cxc**

* * *

"Mind and body, Shepard." Liara said, wistfully. Her eyes were wide, the straight gentle brows thinned out more than usual, and her lovely curves moved elegantly, over the sinewy curves of her commander. They were on the commander's bed, darkened room, with only the terminal's monitor lights haloing their bodies.

Belinda mumbled something incoherent, her eyes were half closed as well. They have been taking their time exploring each other's body and mind. Though Belinda was becoming quite addled by the images that Liara managed to inject in her, and she had to place her strong hands against the other's chest.

"Wait…" Shepard warned, "I can't. Not right now."

"Why, Shepard, is it lieutenant Alenko?" Liara asked, concerned. They have just gotten back from Virmire, and the events that had passed took a toil on the commander. She had pulled out some of her red hairs, due to the enormous stress. Her eyes were red rimmed now, and the sobs that threatened to spill were pushing out from beneath her belly, inching past her chest and onto her nose and open pores.

Tears started to form around Belinda's eyes, gliding past the bottom lashes, wetting her cheeks, and her head hung low, with red clumps of hair messy from the exertion.

"I can't believe I sacrificed him on Virmire, Liara. I can't. I just can't."

They have been sitting there on Belinda's bed, being close and loving, after a side quest, and they've taken the time to unwind, while everyone was out on shore leave.

"I understand," Liara interjected, "You were about to pick Williams but then Alenko had come on to you earlier, making it very clear that he liked you and you panicked. You thought that he would jeopardize your sanity by making advances."

"No. Yes. No." Shepard shook her head, mumbled, "I flirted with him endlessly, Liara, I'm sorry. And then I don't want to have to choose between you and him. I am more attracted to you."

Liara smiled, very pleased, "I know, commander, but why lead him on like that?"

Shepard ignored that, "But you see," Belinda wrinkled her nose, and snorted in an oncoming uncomfortable flem that was aggressively trying to come out; she reached with the side of her back hand and glided it across her nose, wiping off the snot, "I'm a bad leader! I can't even save my crew. Wah! I should be shot and killed by a commando."

"No. No…." Liara cried with her, "I- I- No….Mother! I – No."

Shepard looked up, confused, "huh?"

"Oh." Liara flustered, "seeing you like this, reminded me of the flashes I had on Noveria with my mother. So you see, I can relate."

"It's not the same, Liara. You don't understand us, humans."

"I'm trying, Shepard. I've been observing you all, the way you interact with each other, the connection of the entire human crew. You're all very fascinating subjects to watch."

Shepard then looked angry, red thick brows furrowed in mystified bewilderment, her nose equally as red as her hair, sniffing loudly, "We're not a bunch of laboratory rats you can take home to your home world and dissect, doctor."

"Oh no! No.' Liara stumbled, her words failing, "I didn't – I didn't mean…"

"Relax. I'm joking."

"Joking? _Again_? I'm afraid I'm not aware of such a concept. You humans have very strange cultural differences from us. Asaris do not understand unless we mind meld to another species, and therefore, this process of evolution shall be imprinted upon our minds and have better understanding. If you'll allow me, Commander, I would like to share your mind and body by joining again."

"Again?" Belinda pouted, and was fast becoming tired of such an excruciating process, though she didn't mind wholly the joining 'body' part. She grinned, "Well, all right. If it's for a good cause. But can you just lay off the hearts and balloons, and puppies and children for a while? It's just that…it kind of turns me off."

"I thought your species loved these images, I have looked it up on the extranet, but only after Dr. Chakwas managed to place a parental control on my viewing privileges, saying that I shouldn't be looking at such graphic images."

"Graphic? What have you been looking at, Liara?"

Liara flustered again, "Oh no. No. No. Nothing drastically evil, if that is what you believe or are concerned about; but rather, sites that expose man and woman, woman and woman, man and man to such substantial degree of state of undress, sparing no costs in clothing and skin on skin, that I'm wont to harbour such inquisitiveness of unfathomable attention of your species; for the reason that which not only do yours have a male counterpart with superfluous --shall I say, _outside interference_, that somehow is connected to the procedure of mating and insertion of fluid means, carrying those of genetic material; spurring me on, that I'm fascinated above and beyond on these levels of what is perceived as the human's primordial rituals, in which even I, an asari must find such great respect that such species can maintain such a ceremony should take a more sacrificed approach; having the agonizing modus operandi that females may only bear offsprings to such a degree of pain and torment, that I am repeatedly, wont to feel more empathy upon the more gentler of your species."

Shepard was already lost halfway, almost fast asleep, "huh? What'd you say, doctor? Something about giving birth and sex?"

"Would you like me to repeat it again?"

"No. Please….No." Shepard whined, about to pull her hair again, "I've enough trouble in my mind as it is. I can't take anymore." She stopped, blinked, "Why would you feel pity on the females.You're female too!"

"No. No. I'm not exactly female, you see. My species are mono-gendered, in that we make no distinction of gender at all. Yes, we are female by appearance, but our species have evolved so that we don't need an extra added skin that looks surprisingly full of discomfort that I'm even inclined to want to cut it off, per say."

"Yes. Yes. Fascinating." Belinda waved a hand, "but your kind gives birth right?"

"To a certain degree, yes, but first we must join minds, and therefore, because of this process, to such intensive care, it must be weighed in part that-"

"Enough." Shepard whined, "I can't take it anymore!"

"Would you like, if I inserted some dark themes in there?"

Belinda lay back among the pillows, finding her bed a little too stiff, "No Saren please, he's too much of a wimp. He killed himself, that dumb sod. And I don't like any krogans in my images."

"After what happened on Virmire, I'm surprised you wouldn't." Liara giggled.

"Not after seeing that krogans have…_.four_…." Shepard coughed.

Liara giggled childishly, covering her hand over her mouth, blushing blue, "four is a good number. Fitting for a battlemaster so large and _so big_."

"Don't talk like that, Liara, I'll get jealous. Besides, it's too generous for me, as I like having what you and I have."

"Then relax, Shepard, and let me join my body with yours, allow me to fuse my mind, molding in such a way to give you great pleasure!"

_Embrace Eternity! _

Shepard tensed, never knowing what Liara was going to do, and the images came, without any warning, slow and fast, disjointed and smooth, contradictory in the way it presented itself:

They were on a planet, barren and dusted, with cracks on the ground, dried up from lack of moisture. In the short of a distance, there stood a compound, next to two heavily storaged containers, giving the indication that life existed within.

When they entered, it was only Shepard, Liara, and the krogan who stumbled mercilessly upon the door in which they had to tip toe in.

"Shhhh, Wrex," Shepard reprimanded, "don't make so much noise! We're supposed to take the situation and make it better. Admiral Hackett said no civilian should be killed."

"Awww, but they're insane scientists; they won't know any better right?" Wrex grumbled, trying to justify his means to make a little noise. He couldn't help it that his armour itched horribly, and that he had to squeak and clank every time he took a step.

"No, Wrex, No!" Shepard argued back, her face now angry and stern, "You have to follow orders."

"I don't take orders very well, I was a merc, remember?" he grumbled darkly, low voice and obviously pouting beneath his helmet, "you didn't get my armour anyway, why should I?"

"For the last time, Wrex," Shepard slapped his arm, "I told you, we'll get that turian's hide when we can. Right now, we need to concentrate on getting the biotic terrorists here. They're a danger to the rest of the scientists that are walking around aimlessly."

Liara piped in, "and mindlessly, might I add, tis a shame too. They could be better subjects for my future observation."

Belinda frowned, "Will you stop too? You and your observations! Now, am I going to get some obedience from the both of you?"

Wrex squirmed, wanting to scratch an itch from his behind, but couldn't reach it, "if you scratch me right on the upper left hand side of my back, we have a deal."

"Oh for goodness sakes!" Shepard spat out, "lean up against the wall if you have to, Wrex. I'm not touching your back."

"All right, Shepard, but I'm not going to promise that I'll be good."

"So the gods help me, Wrex. No casualties! Got that?"

"Perhaps, commander, if you shall allow me," Liara piped in quietly, her blue finger tapping on Shepard's shoulder, "I'll mind meld with the krogan to get rid of the unbecoming itch that cannot be reached."

"Oh no you don't," Wrex grumbled two pitches below an alto, "I don't want no cuddling, it'll screw up my focus.'Sides, the only asari I'm interested in, is not here."

Shepard rolled her eyes, walking ahead of them, and entering the compound's main entry room, "yes, yes, Wrex, Aleena is your hot bed of desire, and you don't know where that asari is."

"Nothing against you, Liara," Wrex said, "I just like my females a little more aggressive."

Liara sniffed, snubbed nose in the air, "If you believe that my biotic skills aren't to par, then.."

"Oh, for god's sake, Liara," Shepard hissed, "it's your tranquilizing nature is what he's talking about, not your skills."

"Well," Liara pouted, "I thought all asaris were desirable, including me…" She sniffed, almost on the verge of….sadness.

"There, there," Shepard rolled her eyes, frustrated by her companions, and hooked her pistol back on her belt, approached Liar and held her, "there…now..we all have our preferences, that's what makes the galaxy go round, _right_?" she cooed the asari scientist to calmness. Belinda's eyes were on Wrex as she held Liara, "Now, you apologize to her, Wrex!"

Wrex at this time was pushed up against the compound's wall, going up and down with his back pressed tightly between armour and hard surface, "Ohhhhh." He gurgled happily with a very deep baritone, "oh yeah, that feels good."

Before they could react, the door leading to the main facility opened up, and a biotic terrorist screamed, "WE ARE HUMANITY'S FUTURE! WE ARE THE EVOLUTION! WE ARE SUPERIOR!"

Then the screaming egotistic biotic threw a huge ball of biotic gel towards them, and encased Shepard and Liara in a two-way shared attack. They went down, both holding each other while Wrex hurriedly pushed off the wall and started shooting blasts out of his assault rifle, making sure to tiptoe forward to and fro, away from the next attack.

As soon as Shepard escaped from the enclosed ball of cocoon, Liara stumbled on all fours, searching for her fallen pistol. Shepard pulled out her weapon that was attached, and started blasting inferno rounds towards the biotic terrorists. They were coming out of the main facility in droves, accompanied with wandering scientists, lost in their mind.

The battle was fierce, and as soon as one biotic terrorist shot a blast from his hands, Shepard used her damping skills, overloading and the entire complex exploded—the nearby fusion grenades bombed instantaneously. With two terrorists going down, Shepard's crew didn't notice until the last second that this caused one of the biotics to shove an innocent bystander against the wall, his bald head hitting against the unbendable surface with a hard thump.

With horror, Belinda watched helplessly as the scientist go down like a falling feather, lifeless eyes staring back.

"NOOOOOO!!" Shepard screamed, standing there, "This was not supposed to happen!"

By then, Liara had lifted up several terrorists up in the air, and gasped, "Oh goddess! Goddess! No!" She had not seen the innocent mad scientist who was amongst the lifting company of renegading biotics, "Wrex, don't shoot them all down! Mind the innocent."

Wrex harumped loudly, his shot gun blasting the biotics one by one from the air, "I'm a little busy here!"

When all was done, the smoke cleared, the blue fuzzy images blurred into one, which Shepard couldn't see and noted the amount of casualties: ten.

"This. Was. Not. Supposed. To. Happen!" She wailed, "I'm a paragon!"

But Shepard woke, sweat poured from her forehead, her reddish hair plastered against her temples and cheeks, wettened against the skull, and the green eyes dazedly stared past Liara.

Liara panicked, "oh goddess! No! Shepard! Wake up! Wake up!"

"I had…." Shepard mumbled, "a nightmare…those horrible images."

"I tried," Liara explained, "to give you something that you love. More than just balloons and hearts, and children, and happy smiling yellow faces. I tried, commander, to give you what you've always loved."

"Huh?"

"Adventure! And a glimpse of the future."

"You did what?" Belinda pursed her lips, "What? That's the future? I'm going to kill a bunch of mad scientists?"

"Only if you will it, commander." Liara offered, "You needn't have this kind of future, but rather, you must find a way to distort the outcome, see to it that you're able to manage everything as exactly as you've wanted."

"Liara, my darling, come lay with me, kiss me! Hold me! I want my mummy!"

Liara jumped at the opportunity, so pleased with loving her commander, and her blue limbs wrapped around the strong form of her partner. She leaned in for a kiss, blue upon pinkish coloured lips, smashing against skin, and tongue pressing inside.

Soon, they were enclosed in a heated embrace, touching, sending vibrant images through them, shocking as the electricity that ran through the ship's hull, the terminal's systems, and their drive core was melting fast from the intensity of the growing warmth.

When they could manage, they peeled off their cumbersome clothing, and there was blue blue everywhere, where pinkish skin touched, the blue closed it in, and reddish hair fell back flat against the cold starched sheets. Shepard's green eyes fluttered, reaching with a shaky hand to move Liara's head closer.

Long moments went by, and Belinda murmured against Liara's blue purplish lips, "do you want to get out the asari bottle, by the way?"

"No, commander, let's do it natural."

"I like the sound of that."

From the bridge, Joker tapped at the monitor systems, fidgeting at the controls and orange lit panels, "someone's been messing around with my controls! Hello!?" He leaned back, looking to his right and left, "What's going on here?"

But no one heard.

He felt, very alone. Until….

"Care for a cup of coffee?"

It was an older woman's voice, "I make a mean cup of java."

"Dr. Chakwas?" Joker blinked, reached up to adjust his cap.

"Here, you look like you could use a strong dose of it." The doctor moved closer, leaned down with one leg, kneeling to get closer to him, "I have several empty beds in the med bay, and you haven't been in for a check up, Joker."

His lips moved a little, found himself quite stunned by the offer, but it didn't last long. He wasn't Joker for nothing.

"I believe you're right," he took the coffee cup in his hand and drank it, his eyes never leaving the doctor's own, "so…" he said, after finishing off the last drop, "is that where you sleep?"

"I never go to the sleeper pods much, while the med bay has plenty of empty beds, which are far more comfortable than the pods." She lifted a grey fine brow at him.

"Uh….I'm a bit young."

"Never stopped me before. I came to serve in space because I've longed of young hypnotically dreamy men with piercing eyes, like yours."

He gulped, "I like older women."

"Are you ready for the consequences?"

"I'm tired of being cooped up in the cock pit."

"Then, you won't mind a thorough examination." She said, very meaningfully, her eyes going up and down on Joker's form.

"Just…be careful of the merchandise."

She leaned in for a kiss.

And Joker was ready, but was moved vigorously awake; his image of Dr. Chakwas coming in for a big fat smooch was immediately destroyed.

"What- what's going on?" He looked up to see the commander with Liara standing there.

"Joker, you're supposed to land us on Chohe. You're asleep at the wheel here." Shepard said, with a hand on her hip.

"I just had the weirdest dream!"

Liara spotted a bottle of asari lotion sitting there by Joker's left, near a cup of coffee, "is that? Is that what I believe it is? Oh goddess, I suggest you shouldn't use it, unless you get very vivid dreams."

"Dreams?" Joker shook his head, rubbing his eyes, "I just put a little on me to see what it does. It smelled good."

"Joker, that bottle is best used with a partner. Otherwise, you'll get dreams that become so real that you're wondering if you've ever dreamed at all."

Shepard squinted, "Wha? What is this? That's the bottle you and I share with the krogan."

"Surprising isn't it? This bottle has almost hallucinating effects. But it is most useful when one has a partner who they can share it with." Liara nodded.

"Hmmm. I don't care." Shepard waved her hand, "I got a call from Admiral Hackett and I'm in for the biotics compound quest!" she almost jumped happily, holding Liara's hands, "I'm going to be given a medal for this if I don't kill any civilians!"

"I'm happy for you, Shepard; let us proceed to the mako."

"Who says I'm taking you?"

"Oh, oh goddess. I'm sorry. I didn't mean—…"

"I'm just joking, Liara, you know I'll take my lover with me." She teased and leaned in to kiss her cheek. Liara flustered, frowned at the joke unknowingly, trying to still figure it out. But Shepard took her hand and skipped.

They jolted off, leaving Joker alone. He sighed, rubbing his temples and pulling off his cap to scratch his head, "That was so weird," he said to himself, "I was actually enjoying..." it almost horrified him, but bizarrely aroused him. He _wanted _Dr. Chakwas.

"Joker, I have it on my charts here, that you are overdue for a check up."

It was the familiar female voice cutting into his thoughts.

"Oh my god." Joker breathed, "You have a cup of coffee with you?" he looked at her hands--they were holding the chart list, but no cup.

He slumped back into his chair. Strangely disappointed.

"Joker, did you hear me? I said that you are overdue…"

"Yeah, yeah. I gotta fly this thing over the open area near the compound first, open the hatch, and then I'll crawl over to your med bay after the commander's done with her mission."

She leaned in, breathed into his ear, "I make a mean cup of coffee…there's plenty in the med bay."

* * *

_-end of this part._


	10. I: AshleyJohn Shepard: MSV: ONTARIO

_A/N: to the person who wants a Joker/T'Soni, I'll write that in with my Jane Shepard/Kaidan in the next chapter. Thanks for suggesting it. This chapter started out somewhat humourous and silly, but then something happened..._

_Yes, more biotic terrorists. (all these are side quests in the game)_

(II)

**I: MSV: Ontario Freighter: Biotic L2 terrorists and Incursions**.

(II)

* * *

The assignment was supposed to be a simple one. Go and save Chairman Burns. Admiral Hackett had contacted John as soon as he got on the platform of the galaxy map.

"I hear ya, Admiral. I'll get on it, but is there anything I should be aware of?"

"As far as I know, Shepard, Chairman Burns of the Parliament subcommittee on transhuman studies was kidnapped and the L2 biotics are holding him in a derelict ship in the Farinata system, right there on your coordinates. There may be a negotiation and you'll have to calm the biotics down."

"Geez, all these missions with angry biotics in it, makes you think what a mistake it was to give these people implants?" John griped back at the Admiral.

"We are aware of the problem, Shepard; however, we're confident that you'll control the situation."

"You can count on me, Admiral."

The comm link cut off, leaving John to ponder his decision. They were already on the Hades Gamma cluster, and it was only a mere hop, skip and jump to get on the drifting freighter. He wanted to go board on the ship, knowing that it wouldn't take much effort-- seeing that it was a kowloon class modular conveyor. One of those human designed freights, configured for passenger hauling, and mixed exports. A little out of ways from any human colony too.

What he didn't like about the mission was that he was about to deal with biotics _again._

John gripped the railings, his arms tensed, taut, mouth grim and blue eyes set. Shuffling his feet to and fro from nervous agitation, he decided to breathe in, count to ten and then breathe out. Inhale, exhale, that kind of thing—to help focus and think, so he stretched, rolled his arms, cracking his neck, swinging his arms back and forth and huffing out a breath. He stood there for a long moment, a few more minutes passed, then half an hour went by…….his crew was finally looking at him.

He glanced over at them, shrugging, "What? What? I'm thinking here. I haven't decided if I want to land yet…"

They resumed to their work, mindful not to shake their heads at their commander.

John folded his arms then lifted one hand to tap his finger on his chin, "What do to?"

He pulled out a small pocketbook from his back pocket, The _Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy._

John opened it, dug his nose in, and after a few minutes looked up from the pages to see if he was being watched. His crew was still working. He yawned, stretched, and relaxed against the railing. Thumbing his finger through the pages, he stretched after a moment, right when the question of_ The Ultimate Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything_ came up. It made his brows draw to a close, and he pondered on this for quite awhile.

"Uh, commander," Joker interrupted, "We're still waiting on orders."

"What is the answer to the universe, Joker?"

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Never mind." John shook his head, "I was just a bit distracted." He stuffed his small paperback in his back pocket.

He can't do this anymore. Everyone was waiting on him. Staying invisible takes a lot of energy for the ship, and the hostage on board couldn't wait till the next day. He has to go in. He thought this over: Take on the biotics and make sure they release Chairman Burns. Thinking about whom to take: he'll take Liara with him, and maybe…maybe someone with top combatic skills. Wrex? He had taken Wrex to Feros already, and recently got his armour too on Tuntau, making the krogan quite happy and cuddling the ancient piece against the lockers downstairs. John figured that Wrex would need some time alone with it.

He had only one other option, and since this was close quarters, he wouldn't need Garrus for sniping skills. Besides, John figured there would be only one infiltrator in the group. He'll take Ashley for the fire power and durability, at least for a clean sweep. It was going to be difficult for him around her, because he had been quite cozy with her a few days ago. That incident in the shower room left him feeling rather weak in the knees too. If only they had time to finish what they started….but someone was knocking on the door-- had interrupted their very heated session. Something he hoped would be a repeat in the near future. Yet, somehow, before getting that close to her, John had been tentatively offering a fond ear to her little stories, and he was listening with apt pleasure. Or he was just thinking too much of getting in her pants at the time. He couldn't help it, dammit. First time he saw her on Eden Prime, he couldn't help but feel the pang of desire to rescue her, but had an inkling suspicion that she didn't want no knight in shining armour.

He smirked. Well then, he'll have to make sure she wanted a SPECTRE in Colossus X armour.

John fondly recalled the scene, and since then, he had avoided Ashley. He was a coward, yes. He had to admit, he didn't want to commit seriously to a relationship…._not yet._ It's too soon. But wasn't it he who was the one chasing her? Telling her that fraternization with a superior officer and a bottle of asari lotion wasn't a big deal?

He sighed loudly, daydreaming of that day…….

Ashley had her supple leg wrapped around his naked waist, and she had whispered against his ear, giving little kisses, her lips against his hot skin, and he could feel a little nibble there….he shivered…..and he was going down…down…_oh down on her_, where the valley of her chest was, past those collar bones, to touch….his lips where they longed to be, pressing……….

She was leaning her head back, moaning, and her hands were gripping his arms, his shoulders, her fingers pushing between the short crop of his hair.

That was when the banging on the door interrupted them. Something about wasting water or something…

He remembered it so well, so vividly that he whimpered out loud.

"Commander, are you all right?"

John shook himself, saw that his crew was staring at him, looking horrified.

"Eh…" He gave an ostentatious laugh, then abruptly stood at attention, "nothing…crap!" He waved a hand, "Just send me in. Joker! Get Williams and T'Soni to suit up, we're heading in. John paused, realizing that something was very uncomfortable, then called Joker, "Er….can you give me ten minutes before locking onto the doors to the freighter?"

And in ten minutes, the Normandy's doors securely locked onto the MSV: Ontario and the trio managed to get in quietly and steadily.

"All right. This is where a bunch of crazy biotics are, and they're not going to be nice. So, Liara, make sure you use your singularity and lift immediately." John motioned them, his eyes on T'Soni's steady face, nodding at the command.

He looked over at Ashley, "No heroics, Ash, just shoot them down and start bumping them off one by one. You can get into the fray first. I trust you."

"Of course, I'll protect you, Shepard." Ash went ahead, her assault rifle in place.

When they first entered the main chamber of the ship, Shepard moved beside Ash and they both had accidentally set off the traps, which managed to conveniently warn the biotics. They came out of no where and started screaming.

"INTRUDERS!! KILL THE HOSTAGE!"

John panicked, "Damn! No. Wait, guys! Can we talk it over? I have some really great biotic amps you'd be interested in!"

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

Well…..he didn't think they would go for it, and the biotics merely snarled, growled and started charging. John could swear he could see some of them turn blue in the face from the effort of using their L2's, and their blue ball of attacks pushed out of their bodies.

"YOU MUST DIE!"

John gritted his teeth, looking for Chairman Burns, but didn't see him around. He moved away from the oncoming surge of biotic ball, yelling out from behind cover, "All right! All right! It's easy to see that I've insulted you guys. You would have better amps than we do."

He motioned Liara, but she was already on it. And her body burned sapphire, lifting the terrorists up in the air, floating like paper and Ash only had to do a couple of shots to give them a nice slow easy smolder…like paper on flames, cindering down…_down……._

And she was already pumping a few more rounds of X's into rampaging biotics, and her armour's been maxed so that the attacks wouldn't affect her so much. They instantly cleared the room, and in that wake, they watched as the sooty tires stumbled about, boxes loudly overturned, and the crates that needed to be opened were beckoning.

"Good work, team." John smiled at his ladies, "I am –…"

"Commander," Ash and Liara chimed in, "There's a clock ticking."

Ash pointed at the screen. John drew his brows together in confusion. But sure enough. There was a timer in the middle of the screen, and the minutes were counting down.

Liara gently offered, "I believe that is a timer to give indication for the lead biotics of this operation to kill Chairman Burns; therefore, we must make haste lest the chairman would be lost to us, and thus, the timer finding its way to the double zeros would be just that."

"Hmmm, yes, better go look for him then." John moved forward and opened the door leading to three other doors. He went straight ahead, hoping to find them there. It was the pilot's room, and he moved further, going to the left, finding only a long rectangular room with a few lockers to open up.

"Looks like no one's home." Ash said, "Guess that means they're in door number three."

"All right. This is it, if they start shooting; you two know what to do. I'll take the lead terrorist of this operation down, and you two try and save the Chairman."

And before they reached the door, the clock stopped at 00:42, and John paused for a moment.

When the doors opened, John lifted a hand up, calling out with a booming voice: "LET'S NOT DO ANYTHING WE'RE GOING TO REGRET!"

That startled them. A man with dark skin and sporting no hair atop his head grimly answered, "Who?" He had his pistol behind the Chairman's back, "See? You write letters and no one listens. No one cares about a bunch of biotics with L2s."

The hostage cried out, "Please, help!"

"You think this method will get you anywhere?" Shepard said, "Killing isn't going to be the answer."

The man got angrier, "Hey, L2s are nearly crippled from the side effects of the implants! No one cares about us! Burns never listened. Maybe this way, will get us the attention we need."

Chairman Burns sobbed out, his hands up in the air, "I didn't know, I didn't think it was important. But it was a mistake! Please, I'll review everything and make sure you get the attention you need."

John shook his head, his finger pointing directly at the terrorist, "think! By killing him, you're going to get your buddies killed too. My crew and I have already swept the floor clean of a bunch of them back there. Do you want more blood on your hands?"

Shepard could feel Ash's eyes look at him, smiling. He hoped he got his charm up.

The terrorist holding the pistol paused, looked at them and back to his friends who stood around ready for orders. He lowered the firearm. "You're right. We don't want to die like this. We just…want to be heard..."

Burns puffed out a sigh of relief, "And you will!"

Shepard growled, "You better." He leaned forward with a finger shaking at them, sternly facing each one with a vengeance.

"Uh…Shepard," Ash interrupted softly, "Maybe you should call Joker and get a fleet to pick them up."

He straightened, shook his arms, rolling his shoulders back, "Yeah…uh, okay, so that's it."

And the three of them went back on the Normandy, having completed one of the easiest missions ever.

He watched absently as Ashley walk back to her corner, to check weapons she said. He wanted to yell out, "How much can you check? Damn it! Check on something else, why don't you?"

_But that wouldn't be very professional, would it?_ And he was still surrounded by Garrus checking up on the vehicle and doing a re-check on the cooling and heating system. And the krogan was still cuddling his newfound armour_. Great!_ Everyone's happy. Even Dr. T'Soni had said that she had some errands to help with Dr. Chakwas in Med bay, maybe something to do with Protheans, he could bet on it. As long as she didn't attempt to mind meld with him, he was safe. He even had to put a hand up to tell the noncommissioned officer who was about to ask him if he wanted to buy something that he wasn't in the buying mood.

So he hung his head low, walked with a heavy boot back up to the galaxy map upstairs. He sighed openly. That got looks from his crew again. John cleared his throat. He can't be looking like he was moping about.

He knew he could go and talk to Joker. That was what he did, instead of feeling like a big heel and looking like a disgruntled Shepard, he'd sit over by the window.

"Hey hey, commander," Joker said, "You here to check up on me? Not to worry! I'm not spying on you guys." He opened his arms out, then pointed at the monitors, "See? All safe from my prying eyes." And the screens were only showing the public areas, and even the outside, where the stars were so close, yet too far.

John dumped himself on the chair, looking out at the window, waving his hand down at Joker, "Nah, I don't care. I'm not here to reprimand you. There's no point." He cleared his throat, "Well, I want to have a man to man talk."

Joker leaned back, "All right. Go ahead. I'm listening. But if you're going to ask me about if I had any girlfriends back on earth, I've had a couple, my fair share. Nothing major. Got something on your mind, Commander?"

"It's Williams."

His pilot nodded slowly, pulled down his cap a little to partially hide his eyes, "Oh yeah? Brassy girl, but sweet. Easy on the eyes. What'd she do this time?"

"Aw come on, you know what happened between me and Ashley in the shower room." John leaned in, lowered his voice to a whisper, "does the rest of my crew know?"

"The entire crew knows, commander." Joker offered smugly, "Besides, I don't know what happened, since my screens are blocked out in that part of the ship."

John placed his hand over his face, "I've been avoiding her a little, you know…because of what happened."

"What exactly did happen?" Joker leaned his ear closer, "commander, my lips are sealed, there's no point hiding anything from me anyway."

"Yes, I know." John straightened in the chair, "we didn't get far, I didn't do anything to jeopardize our professional relationship….but it did get a little bit hot."

"Details, commander, I want details."

"What if…I screw it up between us? I could say one wrong word and everything would be shot."

Joker considered this for a moment, "Commander, if you want my advice? I suggest you talk to her."

"She'll just say that she's got to check on weapons."

"Then do a couple more missions, or better yet, go to a main mission." Joker looked at one of the smaller terminals, and checked on the coordinates for the two main planets to go to: Noveria and Virmire.

"Hmmm good idea. Then, I'll go up to her and be a bit forceful." John got up, nodding, "yeah, take us to Noveria."

"Wellll," Joker lifted his cap up, looking up at the commander, "You could always go on the geth incursions, take a clean sweep of the planets in the system, then she'll open up. A girl like her likes to be taken in on a couple of those missions, give her a little revenge on some geth action; especially what happened on Eden Prime and all."

"I was thinking about that too." John paused, his brows furrowed, "It's too bad you couldn't be a Spectre, Joker, you'd do a good job."

"Naw, not my kind of thing, commander. I don't like Spectres, they're trouble, present company excepting, sir."

And so, after a few days, Shepard took the group, alternatively taking turns to take down the geth invasion, leaving only one more geth outpost to take care of. He was tired, and there were times that he couldn't get any sleep during the nights. He would lay there, listening to the silent whir of the orange terminal by his bedside. The cool nights where the galaxy seemed billions of light years from his home world, from any human colony, making him antsy for the next day. And when he would wake, he'd do a few hard core exercises, get a quick hardy breakfast down, check up on his armour and equipment, and head down to the outposts.

He would drive the mako on these frozen barren lands, where the whipping winds stung his environmental suit, and where even the hazard was beyond the first level. Sometimes, it would take hours for him to take pot shots with his sniper to tear a geth armature down, and he'd have to watch out for geth snipers. Normally, he'd take Tali and Wrex with him, alternating them with Ashley and Kaidan or Liara. And if he knew the condition of the weather was less fierce, Garrus was behind him with a sniper above the craggy hills to take turns sniping at geth troopers.

When he had come crawling back to his room after the fourth outpost was destroyed, his muscles aching, knuckles cracked when he made a fist, and his body about to give out from the pure exhaustion, John lay heavily on the bed. Staring up at the same ceiling, waiting for the room to dim, and he would wait till the next day to get the main geth base. He had thought that the final base would be on the fourth planet, but as it turned out, the damned synthetics had fooled them.

His eyes were fluttering close, and the entrance to his door was being hailed, forcing him to lift his weary body up. "Just a minute."

John leaned his arm on the wall, hitting the panel with his other fisted hand, and when the doors slid opened, Ashley stood there.

"Commander, do you have a minute?"

He waved her in, and his back felt like hell. John reached over with his one hand to massage the place where the back arched. Ashley noted the distress and immediately moved to hold up her commander, "Shepard. Are you all right? Here, let me get you back on your bed."

"Yeah…uh, I'll be fine. I was going to go to Dr. Chakwas to suck down some pain killers but I'm not one for meds. I think I just over exerted myself from the last geth outpost."

Ashley half smiled, "yeah…I was there. You didn't have to get in the fray where the geth colossus was. We would have been able to handle it, me and Kaidan. Your sniping skills are what keep us alive, commander."

"Uh." He half laughed, "Kaidan went down like a light, when the first wave of torpedo hit him. My fault. I should have taken the time to buy him better light armour. At least find him some energized plating."

"Not your fault, commander. And Kaidan's fine. He's at his monitor still, and if anything, that screen's the one that gives him hell."

He chuckled, nodding, "And after I helped him up with medi-gel and my unity, he lifted that colossus and the geth primes up in the air superbly."

She smiled, "Yeah, I love working with you all. It makes my day worth while.."

"And you busted that geth prime across the floor, making him spin on his synthetic ass. That was gold, chief."

"Glad to have impressed you, sir. Considering that you're the one who always impresses me."

John set himself down on the bed, "What brings you here, Chief? Not that I'm complaining, but I'm surprised."

"Well, I hope you don't mind...but, it's about last time…"

He panicked. "Oh…you mean…."

"I'm sorry. I've been avoiding you." She continued, "I'm so damned fool hard headed, that I don't know a good thing if it were in front of me waving its red flag on go."

John shook his head, "I have a hard time figuring you out, but I think I know what you like."

"Oh really? And what do you think I like?" She was curious now, and that mischievous twinkle in her eyes was flashing.

He held up a finger, indicating that he needed a moment, and leaning over to the side of his bed, he took out a bottle of asari lotion.

"I know…that you like this, on you. Despite your reservations about it in the beginning….you were saying how it makes your skin feel really good." He wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

She laughed, "Commander! Shame. And here I was going to come in to offer you some comfort, maybe give you a back massage, after seeing what you've gone through in the past few days."

"It occurs to me, chief that this may be our last months together on this galaxy, with the geth on our tail, Saren aligning with them, and who knows what else."

"Good thing I came prepared, sir, because I would want us to go have it again in the shower room." She responded with a low seductive tone.

John thought he felt his heart skip, and he grinned, "So, are you going to do what you were thinking of doing before you came in here?" he lifted the bottle in his hand, shaking it back and forth teasingly, "Because, I think I've just gotten my energy back up."

"Mmmm, you come here." She teased, smiling sweetly.

"Ash, I'm not a toy."

"I don't think of you as one, but you'll learn, Shepard…." Ashley reached over and kissed him soundly, and his arms went around her immediately. They tangled themselves on the bed; he kissing her back and she pulling at his shirt to come off. They were a little too excited too, as their clothes came off quite quickly, dumping them ceremoniously on the floor. And there was the sound of lips kissing--heaving breathing; echoing in the room--to every place where skin was exposed; there was the nick of his day's growth beard chaffing her smooth flesh, and hot tongue licking softly at her curves.

It was as if Joker had hit the engine thrusters of the Normandy, using overdrive, that the heat was expanding...

When he was atop her, his hand smoothing her long hair which lay across the sheets, away from her temples. He stared into her eyes, whispering, "Would you roll your eyes if I told you that I've never felt this happy as I do now? Ever?"

She made an expression rolling her eyes, the smile never leaving. Then her lips parted softly; she chuckled fondly, "John, come here, kiss me, because cheesy or not, I want to remember this…..."

He kissed her then, feeling the pressing urgency of her tongue; and he didn't hear his digital clock by the bedside--where the universe's answers were out in the distant stars and in the galaxy beyond….

And where the numbers clicked the hour --just over half past midnight…remaining on _00: 42._

* * *

_-end for now._

_**End Notes:** If no one understood the "Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy" reference. 42 is the number that is the answer to the universe and life in question. It's a popular reference in cultural scifi. It's written by Douglas Adams. I also made a pairing poll, but unfortunately, they are limited to the three main pairs that i'm writing: FemShep/Kaidan, Ash/ManShep, and Liara/FemShep. So if you want, go ahead and vote on it. Remember, they are all going to be non-serious fics and will very closely relate to the romance in the game. _


	11. I: KaidanFemShep: ILOS

A/N: wrote this chapter in present tense, sorry for the strange change...

**I: Ilos: Kaidan/Jane Shepard**

* * *

_Looking out, Jane can almost touch the stars, but her fingers are flat against the cool window-- the portal to see the galaxy, where asteroids roam, and the open darkness is like the great wide ocean in the middle of the night._

_It gets lonely here….. _

_She plants such childish notions aside, thinking of her future, and her mission. Jane can see earth. A place where so many inhabitants are still wondering about the distant stars and far off worlds to conquer or explore, and she's got to realize that she's one of the lucky ones._

_Jane looks over, sees a shadowy figure of man, and knows instinctively, it's him._

_She reaches out, a little, but not too much—she doesn't want to appear too eager…._

_But decides that she leans back against the solid surface, the cool window conducting her heat, crosses her arms, blows through her lips and whistles…..._

* * *

Jane's sitting on the bed, her legs folded, tucked beneath, watching Kaidan's eyes flutter close; while her fingers idly playing the length of his dark side burns, "Mmmm, go on, sweetheart, tell me about your experience again, about how you did in that turian?"

Kaidan's head is on her lap, and he can't help but feel so comfortably lazy, languishing the love oozing from her; she caressing his face as if this is all she cares about in the entire galaxy. And that's one of the reasons why he felt the way he did--the way he admires her, in that she's a woman that surpasses all his quixotic notions of idealistic and unimaginable dreams; it aches him, making him feel so _human._

"Shepard, the way you go about, it's as if you were a little bit sadistic about that turian's passing. Sure, he was an ass. But as jerks go, they're 'human' too." Kaidan chuckled, liking the attention he was getting.

"Turians only live such a short time, yes; most of them walk around with a stick up theirs, don't they? I've even told you, that because they live shorter than most of the other species; they don't have time to change. Look at Saren…"

"He's a different matter altogether, I don't know how he's even capable of being reasoned……after what he did to Captain Anderson……" Kaidan said, wistfully, thinking of far off things…of a time before he was barely an adult…..back on brain camp…

_He looked like a boy then, but his body grown; his once lanky figure now forming into muscle where it counted; and his dark hair was trimmed every other week. A regulatory procedure. Rahna smiles at him, she waves her hand to tell him that she's saved a seat for him over at the cafeteria; they're taking a lunch break. Unfortunately, the breaks are short, with hours of strenuous training and bleeding noses, and excruciating side effects. They mostly kept a handkerchief for the former. Kaidan didn't keep one and he felt bad that he was the only one who didn't get nose bleeds. He did however need one hell of a concentrated pill for those migraines that nearly weaken him. _

_Rahna with her dark reddish short hair, closely cropped against her neck; curling bangs and those facial features, sporting an Eastern European look. Her height, when she's standing, a little shorter than him….and she's waving a hand, waving and waving…he could remember the eager expression on her face, until that Vyrnus slaps a metallic ruler across her hand, leaving a red welt mark…_

_She cries out in pain, and resumes to her meal in somber and quiet unease…._

_Kaidan is feeling the overwhelming urge to kick some ass. But, goes against it; instead, he tolerantly waits…patiently tries to keep things in perspective…that much, he has to do, because the turian's got it in for him, knows that the affection he feels for Rahna will be used against him…and she'll end up paying for it._

_And the piercing pain in his head returns…_

But he's here now, _the pain's subsides, sucks back in like a wave going out to the black sea of dying stars...and he's here..._……in Jane Shepard's arms. They're probably going to be screwed all to hell…what with regulations being so strict. If their COs ever find out; yet, for danger it presents-- he isn't bothered too much. Shepard's a Spectre, and the way things are going…it looks like the galactic community's going to owe her….

With that, he looks up at her face, the way her eyes sparkle something mischievous and naughty….he doesn't make a hesitation when he lifts himself off her lap--her hand mid way to holding him…but he stops her, places his hand over her cheek, feeling the heat there.

"Bridge to Commander Shepard, we need to land on Ilos, but there's no landing zone!" Joker calls in.

Jane's on the verge of puckering up, her lips are just about to smooch her man, and her eyes turns glassy, looking over at the comm, "We need to get that guy a partner of his own.."

"What? You are serious." Kaidan choked out. He thinks about it, and the answer comes to him easily……. "Well, when you were leading me and T'soni on; and you turned her down, I felt sorry for her…maybe…and _you _did mention it once before..."

"Why, LT, you're absolutely right." She leans in, and liberally gives him a kiss, assertively thrusting a tongue inside, then she pulls back to jump up from the bed. "Let's go and ask T'soni to keep Joker company. He gets really lonely I bet."

Kaidan's too busy at the moment, smacking his lips, still trying to taste her lips on him--feeling a little sad that they had to end their little thing going on; but duty must be first….he sighs, "Should we ask her to mind meld Joker first so that she can get his sarcastic jokes?"

His commanding officer busts out laughing, a delicious hearty laugh, and he loves it when she wickedly grins at him, "You're the bad boy, Kaidan…._and I like_. What say we find a nice little green pasture or what looks like one on Ilos, away from all this, away from the scuttlebutts, and the questioning eyes of my crew………"

He's too shook up to say anything, because Jane just places images in his head, of them carousing on the ruins of Ilos. Or whatever Protheans had done to the place, he's sure that there's going to be empty niches to take little kisses here and there...of course, there is the question of the third party who might be watching.

Jane kept her fingers lingering on his front shirt, spreading her hands over the finely toned muscles and splaying each stroke with a heavy caress. She can feel him jump a little at the way she aggressively touches him, that he was almost fearful of the way she looked about to eat him alive. And the thought brings him a sense of indescribable pleasure…_painfully so_.

"Oh you do know how to persuade me, ma'am…you're good at that." Kaidan reaches unconsciously up to touch the shadowy growth of a coming beard, perhaps to make him distracted, or soon-- he'll go completely weak in the knees, "we have to find—"

He's cut short, as he's being pulled towards the exit, Jane's hand clamping on his, and they're already on the way to Joker's little section of the Normandy.

Jeff must have heard them, for he turns a little, giving them a sidelong glance, "Hey, we're about to land, but there's no landing zone."

XO Pressly screams out from behind them, "THERE IS NO OTHER LANDING ZONE!"

Jane and Kaidan jumped, and immediately assessing the situation, Kaidan walks over to see the situation on the screen, peering over Pressley's shoulder, "Uh, hmmm there is one, but it's about twenty meters I think.."

"YOU NEED AT LEAST A HUNDRED METERS OF OPEN TERRAIN!" Pressly barked out, "WE"LL NEVER MAKE IT!"

Tali rushes up from behind them, breathing deeply and gravelly through her ventilation system—as if she's been running, "What's going on? I keep hearing a lot of racket up here, and from what I heard so far, we just won't have enough time with the closest landing zone."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!? PULL ANOTHER FEW HUNDRED METERS OUT OF MY ASS?" Pressly barked again, this time with a little extra whine in it.

Kaidan hits his head on one side with the end of his palm for a couple seconds there, shaking his hearing, since he got the brunt of the shout, shakily saying, "Then…find …..another….landing zone!"

Pressly looks about to burst a vein, his bald head turning a little reddish…

Jane folds her arms, leans down, watches the monitors. She then spots Saren down there, a tiny dot and a few other tiny dots. She knew from the dot's movements, that she's looking at Saren and his geth troopers. One dot sporting blue eyes: a heavily silver plated turian and a bunch of synthetic goons. Jane taps her pilot's shoulder, "What's up, Joker? Got any other ideas? Because, the guy wearing exoskeleton plating, and supposed to win me my medal, making me the most heroic person in the galaxy is running away from us."

Tali yells out, "The descent angle is too steep! How can you possibly even?"

Jeff just looked determined, his lips a straight line, "I CAN DO IT!" then in a critically grave whisper, "I. Can. Do. It."

"Then what are you waiting for? Let's go!" Jane claps her hands together, "Come on! MOVE MOVE MOVE! Tali, since you're here, and the others are still downstairs, you're to come with us."

It's always difficult to tell what Tali's thinking, or what her expressions are like, unless one peers closely into her mask. Shepard's doing just that—peering into her mask, wondering about the long pause.

"Hey, Miss Long Last name?" Shepard snaps her fingers over Tali's mask, "Are you in there? You all right? Anyone home?"

Tali's breathing apparatus sounds like a respirator for a second, where she's sucking in the air in an irritated manner. She speaks:

"But you didn't give me my geth information, Commander, so when we are through with taking on Saren, I'm leaving. Just so you know. I'm giving my resignation beforehand. And _I'm not _sorry about it, there's no point changing my mind."

Jane seethes inside as well, and everyone in the cockpit can see the smoke coming out of her ears. Her brows draw together in angry confusion, both hands on her sides, fingers curling up, "WHAT?! You can't just leave me on the lurch, young lady!"

"I have no loyalties to you, commander, but to my people, they come first. On the Flotilla, we are always accommodating to each other for the most part, as least they are to me; and I was under your command because you took me in."

"Udina forced my hand!" Jane grumbles, folding her arms.

Kaidan walks up to Jane, places a comforting arm around her, "Commander, shouldn't we get going? Whatever it is you two need to resolve, can't it wait? I don't think the conduit can wait, or Saren for that matter."

"You're right," Jane sighs, "As always, you're my voice of reason, Kaidan."

Joker suspends the conversation, "Commander, I'm going to drop the mako into the little itsy bitty section right there…so unless you two want to keep arguing back and forth, may I speak freely to tell you to hurry your asses, because, ya know…this is my _only_ open window."

"Right!" Jane nods, and pulls Pressley over, whispers in a commanding voice, "Get T'soni to keep Joker company when we land on Ilos, got it?"

* * *

Ilos is soaking, no- dripping in mystery and with all kinds of disturbing surrealistic ambiance, where falling weeds looking familiarly like those white dandelions just on the verge of demise lands on the trio's arrival. Even Jane's swiping them away from her eyes, waving back and forth and spurting some out of her mouth, "What the—is there a gardener around here because they're not doing a good job!"

Kaidan helps her by placing Shepard's visor down, "There, that should help."

The three newcomers didn't really have time to admire the view. In another time and placement, they would have been in wonder at their surroundings. Everything looks ancient: filled with brackish stone, and foliage inching along the walkway paths, where hedges of uprooted rocks faced together, just enough for two to get by side by side. They're being confronted by an unbreakable obstacle in which Saren's gone through, knowing that they can't possibly cut through there without digging from beneath. They didn't have the tools or the firepower to break in.

Tali's the one who first screams, "WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO GET INSIDE!"

"There!" Kaidan points, "Geth troopers!"

"Yeah!" Jane pulls out her pistol, clicks it on the red dotted marksman, "Come on, you freaks! Over here, come to momma!" She waves one hand, motioning them over. But when the geths were backing up, as if to lure the trio into a trap, Jane gets a little freakishly angry and throws a damper on them.

"Commander, we need to get over there!" Tali moves up, armed with her dark red and black colossus armour—she feels highly confidant, and highly aggravated, "Take that!"

She shoots a couple down, smashing their barriers down, and sending the others into overload.

Jane grumbles, checks her armour, wishing that her Colossus gear didn't look so damn butt ugly red and striped black. Instead, Tali's version looks a whole lot better, and _cooler. Everything on her looks cooler. Well, except for the mouthpiece and...maybe the feet and hands...but that glassy face plate of hers is nice._

Jane takes a glance over at her man, but Kaidan's face is concentrating, pistol drawn and barrier up.

"Hey handsome, do you think that my armour looks good on me?"

Kaidan does a double take, "Huh?" Sees that the geth from their angle is eliminated; though he's pretty sure that the rest are waiting for them meters downwind; so he takes a look, a closer inspection, "Looks_ really_ good to me," he clears his throat, "Commander.." his dark eyes glancing over at Tali, just in case the quarian gets too curious.

* * *

_Part II coming later: T'soni/Joker, and the rest of Jane Shepard/Kaidan_


	12. I: JokerT'Soni love is in the air

_a/n: chapter just concentrates on this couple._

**I: Joker/T'Soni; the bonds we weave together.**

* * *

He wondered why she was sitting there. That asari they picked up awhile back. The one where the ship nearly took a dive into the massive hellish cavernous bloody mouth of Therum. He was glad that that was over. And he had heard over the intercom how she complained about his snide joke. He thought, _what an incredibly annoying woman_. He turned, glancing over to peek at her, where she was sitting. Her hands were folded and she fidgeted a little, wriggling her bottom on the chair on the Gunnery station.

Still, he had to admit, even though she was from another species, the asari were nice to look at. He really didnt have time for this, so he turned his head, "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Oh...oh dear." Liara breathed nervously, "I thought you were the one that needed assistance."

He was now very curious, his brows drawing to a close, his hand moved up to touch his beard in a display of unconscious manly gesture, "I do? Last I checked, I hardly ever needed assistance. But, if you're here to check up on my background, I'm not good, I'm not even better."

"Goddess, I- I- …" Liara stammered, "I'm so sorry, Joker. I thought…"

"I'm the best damned helmsman this side of the alliance. I made it to the top of my class, the best! All those commendations on my file? I've earned every single one! Those weren't handed to me as a donation for my crippling disease."

Liara's eyes widened so much it looked like she was about to pop them out of her sockets, "Oh! You are the best then…I see. I wasn't aware…well, yes, I was. I was very aware. You've managed to save our lives from that dreadful incident I was in. Back on Therum. I should be thanking you, instead."

Joker was now a little agitated, so he drew himself back to the controls and leaned back, making sure the Normandy was further enough away so that they didn't need to rely so much on the energy of masking their whereabouts. He watched the screens, looking out for the commander and for any sign of geth activity. The last ones were taken care of, as few deemed to have taken interest in their ship once the mako was dropped.

"Naw, don't worry about it. Save it for the commander. Wasn't she the one who found you on Therum? I just hauled your asses out of there."

"Yes, but, if it weren't for you," she gasped, so awed at his abilities, "I would not be here, I would be swimming in hot lava, my body a sacrifice to the deep dwellers, mixed in with the rest of the disappearing protheans; I would be a living sacrifice even to my people; your timing was impeccable if not, a little too close. Plus, I was told that you were in need of some company." she tried a fake laugh, "and here I am, since the commander did not decide to take me, I'm all yours."

"You are?" He raised a brow at that, his hand mid-way to touching the thrusters, and paused, "I don't know how to take that, doctor. But, how is it exactly that you're all mine?" He had to turn back to her again, _because this should be good_.

She took a moment, it seemed to have registered in her mind that what the meaning meant might have been a little on the extranet side, in which she was so familiar with these days, "Oh dear! Oh no!" Liara frantically drew a hand over her breast, clutching at her material as if she were trying to find some words, but blushed an incredible shade of dark blue, "I merely meant that, I am here to help you, and my presence will be here for you, thereby releasing any freedom I have at the current moment to give to you. All to you." She paused, looking at him, trying to see his expression beneath the shadow of his cap, "Joker, that is your name, right?"

He moved his head from side to side slowly, sliding his eyes back to the consoles, "Yes, it's so I can make you and little children laugh."

Liara attempted fake laughter which was lost on his ears, "oh, hah ahahaha." Then she stopped, her arms dropped by her sides, "I'm hopeless. I cannot for the life of me understand your human ways; I'm so ignorant of your species; I need to lie down," She raised a hand over her forehead, and looked about to faint.

"Hey, hey, not on the floor, I'll get the doctor for you up here. Try not to hit anything on your way down."

She managed to hold on to a nearby chair, and dropped heavily down on the same gunnery station, and she looked out, where there was a tiny portal showing a little space outside. She sighed, "I must look like an utter fool to you, Joker, You must forgive me."

He was further confused, "What's to forgive? You're always apologizing for nothing. You don't have to do that, that's overdoing it."

"Yes, yes, you're right, I'm sorry," She realized what she said and placed a hand over her mouth, "oh dear, oh dear goddess, I'm so sorry, " then she smacked herself with her hand on her forehead, "stupid, stupid, stupid…."

"Hey hey, stop that now!" Joker was getting worried, "Uh….you all right doc? Because you're scaring me." He really wasn't, but it _was_ weirding him out, and he didn't really want to be distracted further. He did something he normally didn't do. After releasing a noisy sigh, he smirked at her, adjusting his hat before facing her, offering out to the newcomer, " My name's Jeff, if you want. That's my first name. If you want to know more..." He looked over to see her expression, relieved that she wasn't hitting her forehead against the consoles or the back of the chair, "you're the first one who hasn't really asked about my disease. I thought you'd be curious."

"Oh, yes, I believe I am. I'm not familiar with human's diseases. I noticed that you don't go anywhere but remain here on that chair. It must get dreadfully tiring and may hurt your butt quite a bit."

He nearly chuckled out loud, shaking his head, "I have what us humans call, rolex syndrome."

"Oh goddess, it doesn't sound very good."

"Diseases are never good, doctor. You're not a medical doctor right?" He said, plainly realizing that he'd never get any work done with her around._ Damn, he was working and on duty_! But this asari scientist, no matter how annoying she was and how much she dissed his jokes, he couldn't help but be curious and incredibly intrigued. He didnt think he was all that _lonely_ either...

"No, I'm a prothean expert, a doctor for archaeological dig sites, and I promised myself I would go see more prothean dig sites if need be."

"That's nice. But according to Commander Shepard, you know less than her."

She shook her head, eyes downcast, "Yes, I'm afraid so, and I was so hoping she would have chosen me over…..the lieutenant.."

"Bridge under the water, Dr. T'soni, grit your teeth and go on, that's what I do."

"Yes, yes, you're right, I'm sorry," and she paused, "I'm sorry I said that, I mean, Oh goddess, I'm so hopeless, Joker."

"Forget it," he groaned, "hey I did give you permission to call me Jeff, so chin up, doctor and relax."

"Jeff then. I hope you don't mind." She half smiled, and stood up, taking a step closer, hoping to distract him further, and away from her repeated mistakes, "But the commander said that you needed some company and perhaps some meditative help, which I could assure you with...it might relieve much of the unwanted tension that may have crept up to your shoulders and head; thereby perhaps, participating in a rather coiled fashion, and if I can assist in any way, you may be able to perform better than your usual."

He was really confused, "I don't understand, doctor. Are you saying you want to give me a massage?"

She fumbled for words, "Oh goddess, dear goddess, if...that is what you want? I am willing to help you. I also brought something..." Reaching into her pocket she produced a small asari bottle, and there was very little left. "It's not much, but there's enough here to smooth over your neck and beard...that is a beard right? It looks very...interesting. If...I may?"

Liara moved closer, her blue hand gently coming close to his face, and he just stared at her, dumbfounded.

"Uh..." He moved his mouth, while his eyes slowly watched her descending hand reach for his beard..."Uh..." he swallowed, feeling her hand, when sudden jolts of electricity flowed through them.

She jumped back, "Oh goddess. That was..._incredible_."

He moved his mouth a little, furrowing his brows, "That's static."

"I thought maybe..." she flustered again, "Goddess, I think perhaps I should start my meditative procedures then.."

"Whatever." He shrugged, "but I gotta work." Joker went back to his consoles, but realized she hadn't moved, "If it makes you feel good about it, go ahead and slather that stuff on me. Just...not too much k?"

"Of course, yes," Liara sounded quite eager, and she shook the bottle and dripped the last remnants into the palm of her hand. He could hear her going on, slapping her hands together and rubbing them hard enough so she got enough lathery gel smothered.

He decided to go back to work, tried to ignore the way her hands suddenly felt cool and then hot when the fingers slid back and forth along his neck; the cords of his neck were being pushed gently, by blue and so much blue; along the slick feel of the translucent gel working its strange magic. He no longer felt like he could work, or think, but feel. The way her hands just worked its way along the exposure of his upper shoulders, while her fingers pushed the dark navy blue material aside. He no longer cared that his beard was being jeopardized, being molested by this hot and cool gel like feeling, gliding back and forth while so much blue just slid and slid along the trimmed hair along his jaw.

Soon, he was moaning.

Joker realized that was him, uttering weird and unforgivable noises in his own cockpit; in his own private place where no one dared to come and do this to him...no one...and he was steadily dozing off.

"Oh goddess, no, you can't sleep, Jeff. Not now." Liara urged him, gently prodding his beard, as if she couldn't get her fingers away; so she pulled a little at them, "wake up, Jeff, you can't sleep! Should I take you to the med bay?"

"Huh?" Joker smacked his lips, as if from waking and adjusted himself on the chair, "doctor, I don't think this is a good idea after all. Your meditative skills, if that were this...eh, it's too good. I can't afford to sleep on duty."

"Perhaps I should go, then." she said, too guiltily for his own ears.

"Ahhhh, geez," he whined, placing his fingers between the bridge of his nose, as if to ward away a headache, "why do you sound like you're making me feel like the biggest heel? Are you always like this?"

She flustered, offended, "I do not. And I am not. I only offered to go." yet her head was turning away, and her blue eyes were downcast, as if in a private grief.

"Well you can do something for me."

"Oh!" her eyes were wide again, obviously happy to assist , a little too eager to place her fingers along his beard, "If you want, I can.."

"No, not the beard, maybe if you can hand me something very important. And I'm just about out of it."

"What is it?"

"Come here," He motioned her over with his finger, "It's private and I don't want anyone to eavesdrop."

She turned towards the end of the hall and anyone of hearing distance would have to be in the same room, but she gave Joker an equally confused look and leaned in, her ear to his mouth. And when he whispered what he wanted, she had even widened her blue eyes wider than ever.

"Oh goddess!"

Within minutes, Liara had rushed down to the med bay and got exactly what Jeff needed, turning away when he needed some private time.

"Uh doctor, you don't need to be in the same room." He was clearly embarrassed, hurriedly adjusting the thick plastic package over his groin, positioning his privates into an area where a tubing went. But damn did he need to go badly.

"I'm all right, Joker, I'm not fearful of such human foulness." She placed a hand over the side of her face, but could hear him taking a leak.

It took a long time before Joker was done, and indeed to Dr. T'soni's eyes, it would have not been enough if she hadn't taken the extra large bag from the freezer containment cell.

"Here, let me take it away, Jeff," She offered.

"Uh that's all right."

"No, I insist. You can't have that lying around." She forcedly could not let it go and won't.

"Doctor, I don't think you can take no for an answer," Joker frowned.

"Let me have it. Jeff, " she looked about to get angry, but wrapped her fingers around the closed package and left, coming back minutes later.

"Jeff." She said, approaching him stealthily, "I would like very much to massage you again, and touch your beard, if you would allow me."

"I don't know…" Joker mumbled, going down into his seat as if he couldn't get away, and was whimpering that it was probably not possible if she was here.

"If you would like, I could also, help you with your disease, touch your mind with mine, and understand…"

"I don't know…" he nearly whimpered now, his body halfway down the seat, his hands still keying in status reports from every angle of the Ilos ruins below, and screens still popped up showing no signs of activity so far.

"Allow me," Liara faced him now, her hand, her blue hand reaching for his, "we may not get another chance. The commander is down there with Kaidan and Tali and they're going up against Saren, and the geth. We may die here, on the Normandy…and we wouldn't ….we wouldn't have anything but our need to be close…to understand. And that is what I must do, Jeff. To understand your species."

He straightened up in his chair, a little pissed off that he had to be subjected to this, and grumbled irritatedly, "doctor, you do what you want to do, but I'm going to be the best damn helmsman this –"

_Embrace Eternity!_

And he was bombarded with images. Strange images of when he was a child, running along a grassy field, with springtime flowers popping up and the sun beaming down on his brown coloured head; where his house used to stand, where he used to…where he-- he looked down, watching his legs run and run, feet forward, right and left, knees bent, and unbending, straightened, and _strong_….

Then he was back.

"How was it, Jeff?" She said, exhausted from the mind melding, "I could go further, but I thought I should only give you a glimpse, and I still have a drop or two from my asari lotion."

"That was…._cruel."_ He grimly said, and looked at her, "How could you do that to me? _How could you,_ showing me, and I could actually feel them! _I felt them!"_ His words were so accusing that he saw her stumble back.

"Oh goddess. I thought…I'm sorry! I thought.." She placed her hand over her mouth, "I thought you would be happy. To know, to feel what it is like..I'm such an idiot!" Liara covered her face with her hands.

"Doctor," Joker said, a half grin on his face, shaking his head, "I'm just joking."

"Huh? What? You….you're joking?" Liara gasped, "You mean…_I do not understand!"_

"I'm teasing you. They don't call me Joker for nothing." He rolled his eyes, and shook his head.

"That was….a dreadfully awful thing to say to me." She whined, lips tightened in anger, and her hands were curled at her sides.

"No, it's not. You need to relax, doctor." He chuckled, "I liked the mind…whatever it is you're melding…it was interesting."

"You did? Then…we shall do it again?" She beamed at him, her body going down on one knee, holding his hand in both hers, "Oh Jeff…." Her voice was breathless, "I've enjoyed the mind melding and it didn't really take so much of my energy as it did when I mind melded with Commander Shepard."

"Oh yeah?" he raised a brow, "how'd you like mine? Was mine bigger?"

"Well," Liara felt his hand cover hers gently, and there was a fizzle of electricity surrounding them, and she couldn't help but feel instantly close to him, "she has a bigger….problem with her prothean link…but yours.."

"Heh," he grinned, "Size isn't everything. You need firepower too."

"Oh goddess, yes. You have plenty of that…"

And the two stared into each others eyes for long moments. They realized, it was a start of something very wonderful...

* * *

_next, part II: Kaidan/Jane Shepard_


End file.
